Today Is Take Your Dog to Work Day! Oh, But WHY THOUGH

By Lindy West | June 21, 2013 | 9:13pm

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Listen. I like animals. I am charmed by a kitty. I am considering acquiring a dog for security and laughs. I grew up with a fluffy white melancholic show dog with Crohn’s disease (my mother cooked him eggs every morning while I ate toast) whom I loved very much. But alongside all of that animal-liking, what I especially like in my adult life is choosing which animals I spend time with. So…really? Do you really have to bring your dog to work?

Can’t I just go to work and write my stories without a barking poop machine dandering up my sinuses?

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Full disclosure: I do not really care about Take Your Dog to Work Day that much. I work from home (so every day is already Bring My Nonexistent Dog/Cat/Salmon/Centaur/Decepticon to Work Day), and when I did work in an office with other humans, the dogs that occasionally dropped by were all delightful little gentlemen. But on principle, why is this good?

Via the Denver Post:

“We’ve found that Americans’ love affair with their pets is at an all-time high,” said Beth Stultz, spokeswoman for Pet Sitters International, an educational association that created Take Your Dog to Work day in 1999. “And as more and more employers see the important role pets play in their employees’ lives, we’ll see that trend continue to grow.”

…For Warren Bell, vice-president for worldwide sales at technology company SwiftTest in Santa Clara, Take Your Dog to Work Day feels like every other day for the past two years, dog-at-work-wise. Moe, his Australian shepherd-border collie mix, practically runs the joint. He commutes with Bell daily from their Saratoga home. He has his own business cards embossed with his title — chief customer satisfaction officer. He has his name on the door. He sits in on conference calls, delivers memos around the office, and drops in often on the office of CEO Philippe Vincent.

“Having Moe on a conference call or at a client meeting helps us break the ice,” Vincent said. “And every time we close a deal, Moe’s a big part of the celebration.”

Morale boosting! I get it! I am in favor of morale! But whose morale are we talking about? A lot of people are violently allergic to dogs. A lot of people are startled and uncomfortable around dogs. A lot of people are legitimately terrified of dogs because dogs have bitten them on the eyeball. Dog are awesome and wonderful, but they are also unpredictable and they do not train themselves. Think of your most goobery coworker ever. How much faith would you put in that dude’s ability to precision-train a fanged beast? (I am obviously not talking about service dogs here. I’m thrilled to be around a dog that takes its dog job seriously.)

Or, at the very least, could we change the name so it’s not a direct parallel of Gloria Steinem’s Take Our Daughters (and, since 2003, our Sons) to Work Day? Do we have to imply that having an unrepentant fart machine licking everyone during the quarterly reports is in any way similar to fostering self esteem and job skills in America’s young humans? Can’t we just call it “Dog in the Office Day,” or “Does Anyone Have a Plastic Bag Day,” or “Why Is Jennifer Having a Panic Attack Behind the Vending Machine Day”?

Or…no?

FINE. You people can answer to Jennifer yourselves.