Tori Spelling Would Never Be Mean to Jessica Alba Because She Cleans Her Kid's Ass With Alba's Butt Wipes

Jessica Alba claimed in a recent Hot Ones interview that during a guest appearance on Beverly Hills, 90210 in 1998, she wasn’t allowed to look the show’s actual stars in the eyes. Alba even claimed she was threatened into following along after someone told her she could be thrown off the set for disobeying that peculiar rule. But Tori Spelling is horrified at this 22-year-old tidbit of gossip, and told Us Weekly that she’d never be mean to Alba, because “I wipe my child’s ass with her baby wipes every single day.”

There are ways to hand out a compliment to someone you allegedly treated poorly in the ’90s, and when trying to de-escalate the situation, there is just one, extremely crucial rule to stick to: Don’t tell them how much you love their ass wipes. It’s a rule I wish Tori Spelling would have realized sooner, before she and 90210 co-star Jennie Garth spent a few minutes on their new podcast, 90210MG, discussing Alba and the alleged no-eye-contact mandate back in 1998.

On the podcast, both Garth and Spelling appear befuddled at Alba’s claim. Garth said: “I had all the scenes with her. If anybody didn’t want to have their eyes looked into, it would’ve been me, but I don’t remember ‘cause I have the world’s worst memory.” Spelling then asked if there was a secret, “cool memo” handed out by producers behind the casts’ backs. Garth then attempted to stick the landing on their meandering diatribe about Jessica Alba, and called Alba “super talented,” and added, “It does not surprise me that she’s gone on to be so successful.”

Then Spelling opened her mouth.

“I’m not going to lie to [listeners], I was a little horrified when I saw that clip, that she said she wasn’t allowed to make eye contact, that she had a horrible experience. Because, her baby wipes are my favorite. Like, I wipe my child’s ass with her baby wipes every single day. I’m so upset right now!”

I mean, it’s true that Alba is the founder of The Honest Company, which hosts a range of products, including ass wipes. I doubt she’s very much embarrassed about them. But it’s categorically nuts to think detailing your child’s bathroom tendencies is the proper way to defuse this situation. I guess the candidness is “standard” for Spelling, who has remained an open book through a hibachi grill burn accident, multiple affair allegations on television and in the press, and a flurry of credit card lawsuits.

Really, good luck to Jessica Alba and her ass wipes. And congratulations to Spelling and Garth on their new podcast, where they will rewatch every episode of 90210…. again.