“Please Feel Bad for Me” Pleads Tourist Who Threw Rocks at Endangered Seal in Hawaii

Truly, there is no form of backpedaling on Earth that has quite the velocity, or inherent amusement, of the everyday idiot who just became an internet pariah because they were caught on tape doing something viciously stupid or cruel, and are now attempting to form-fit a new narrative that casts themselves as the secretly noble party. What rationale, for instance, would you expect a person to employ after being caught on video hurling coconut-sized rocks at an endangered seal, and then laughing and bragging about their jackass behavior to passerby? Would you believe said rationale, according to the man’s lawyers, is “No no, he was actually trying to save the lives of wild animals as he was doing this”? Hmmm, should we buy that? Audience, your thoughts?

The man in question, who achieved instantaneous infamy when he appeared on video hurling stones at a nearby, locally famous Hawaiian monk seal at a Maui beach, is apparently named Igor Lytvynchuk of Covington, Washington. The 38-year-old is scheduled to appear in U.S. District Court in Honolulu today, on charges of harassing and attempting to harass a protected animal, after an investigation by “special agents with the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration,” who arrested him. I’d just like to call out as an aside: Since when does NOAA have a law enforcement arm, and just how many people is the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration typically arresting on an annual basis for nature crimes? Regardless, if convicted, Lytvynchuk could face up to a year in prison for each charge, along with fines of up to $70,000 under the Endangered Species Act and Marine Mammal Protection Act.

Unless, of course, we have it all wrong, as Lytvynchuk’s lawyer stresses. According to attorney Myles Breiner, his client was actually hurling huge rocks for the most noble of reasons: to protect sea turtles from vicious monk seal attack. Now, the fact that Hawaiian monk seals actually do not prey on sea turtles might prove problematic to that line of defense, as I don’t believe “foundational lack of knowledge of biology” is typically admissible in court as an excuse for one’s actions. Also not looking so good for Lytvynchuk: The fact that witness video, as seen by NOAA investigators, reportedly showed the Washington man saying “he did not care and was ‘rich’ enough to pay any fines,” when he was confronted by angry locals on the beach who witnessed him throwing the rock at the seal. Isn’t it odd how proclamations of one’s wealth and eagerness to pay fines has a tendency to vanish once a person is actually threatened with fines?

Really, the entire story surrounding the incident with Lytvynchuk is filled with comedic pearls, including his lawyer saying that another man on the beach “brutally assaulted” his client after the rock vs. seal incident, with Lytvynchuk declining to file a police report, presumably because none of the witnesses would speak up for him. The same lawyer also said his client has been facing death threats and doxxing since the video began circulating online, “including receiving a package at his home containing what appeared to be feces.” There aren’t enough chef’s kiss expressions for a line like that. If we didn’t know better, we’d say the lawyer’s goal from the start has been to make Lytvynchuk look as absolutely wretched and weak as he possibly can. You know, the classic pity defense!

“Lytvynchuk has faced death threats and doxing, including receiving a package at his home containing what appeared to be feces”

Lol someone left a bag of poop on his stoop

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— hammancheez (@hammancheez.bsky.social) 10:34 AM · May 27, 2026

At the same time, however, and at the risk of incurring our own boxes full of human waste, I feel compelled to point out that it seems a bit disproportionate to potentially levy tens of thousands of dollars in fines and the threat of jail time upon an undeniably stupid tourist, for an attempt to harass an endangered species that did not even strike the animal in question. While Lytvynchuk is flying back to Hawaii and entering a courtroom to stand trial for behaving like an idiot, the very same government that is prosecuting him under the Endangered Species Act is intentionally gutting that same act in order to drill for oil in the Gulf of Mexico, despite being told point blank that this will almost certainly lead to the extinction of the critically endangered Rice’s Whale, of which there are less than 100 left on Earth. At the same time that Lytvynchuk potentially faces a few years in prison for chucking a rock, a Florida tech bro is attempting to lead the charge to strip endangered species protections from an entire bird species because he doesn’t want to pay a fee to help conserve them. What someone like Lytvynchuk did is the most petty and inconsequential of all possible crimes against nature, and honestly, the “brutal assault” he sustained from someone on the beach immediately afterward feels like more or less the correct amount of justice for someone in his position. And of course, tack on the fines as well (especially since he bragged he could afford them).

But don’t forget that if a squad of NOAA secret agents should be investigating and arresting anyone, it probably ought to be the occupant of the White House, rather than a hapless tourist. At least that arrest would probably do some actual good for the health of the planet.