What Are You Buying From the Homeless Not Toothless Silent Auction?

Homeless Not Toothless, the unfortunately-named charity patronized by Dorit Kemsley, made its return to The Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills this week. While the name has long been a punchline for the audience at home–and every Housewife not named Dorit Kemsley–since it first appeared on RHOBH last season, Kemlsey insists it’s not a joke and is, in fact, a serious charity. Dorit often has various activities that one might call “schemes,” like a redesign of Buca di Beppo’s Capri room or a very expensive wedding dress collaboration. But Homeless Not Toothless seems more legitimate, boasting celebrity involvement from Sharon Stone and William H. Macy.

And bad name aside—as Kyle Richards points out in the most recent episode, the implication that we have to decide between homes or teeth is not an ideal one—pro bono dental work is objectively a good thing.

It’s also a good thing for those of us watching at home since we got to watch the H-wives enjoy a set from Taylor Dayne and a speech from Paula Abdul in between Crystal Kung Minkoff calling Annemarie Wiley a bitch. But the debate about whether Sutton Stracke’s purportedly small esophagus was genetic or due to an eating disorder was no match for Dorit’s determination to throw the best dang charity fundraiser possible. It was a big night for everyone involved, and it all hinged on a silent auction that the ladies perused but didn’t actually buy anything from, at least on camera.

Lucky for us, and even though this seemed to have been filmed in April, there are still a bunch of these items for sale on the official Homeless Not Toothless website, and I’ve taken the liberty to highlight some of them. And I beg the question: What are you buying? I, for, one am partial to one of the vacations or maybe even the Kobe Bryant jersey, but I need a sense of where everyone’s head is at.

This seems like something Kyle Richards would buy if 1. She wasn’t famous and couldn’t just ask for a ticket or 2. If she wasn’t maybe probably dating a country singer who is most likely hoping to attend as a nominee rather than a guest. But for those of us who aren’t Kyle Richards, this could be a decent way to kill a Wednesday night.

Literally 20% of this auction is Taylor Swift merch, including a guitar (which Kyle pointed out on camera), an album collection with her real signature, and a poster and gold record with reproduced signatures. But most valuable, at least according to the starting bids, are the two “lower level seats” for a 2024 Taylor Swift concert in a city of your choosing—I’m gonna guess not having to deal with Ticketmaster is the main perk of these. Regardless, this is a wild and borderline inappropriate amount of Taylor Swift merch for the scope of this auction, but the good people at Homeless Not Toothless did not respond to my inquiries about how they got all of it.

Something seems off here, as the attached photo only shows 53 rings, with space for one more. But the listing advertises 57 rings. There have been 57 Super Bowls as of this writing, so I’m going to assume there are 57 rings, even if it’s unclear where you’re meant to store the extra three. Perhaps they assume that you’ll always be wearing at least three so you don’t need the additional space.

I don’t mean to be crass but this may be the most valuable piece of memorabilia because, quite simply, Kobe Bryant isn’t signing any more jerseys. This genuinely seems like a good item. Less good are the Kobe Bryant replica championship rings with a reproduced signature or the poster with the reproduced signature—though those will set you back far less.

Andrea Bocelli appeared on an episode back in the Yolanda era before her then-husband, David Foster, was bringing adult contemporary recording artists to his dinner parties instead of marrying them (looking at you, Katherine McPhee). Dorit wasn’t even on the show yet but either he stayed friendly with someone in production or he’s just relatively game for things of this nature; either way, I’m not ashamed to admit I would bid on this if I had an extra $9,500 lying around.

This trip advertises its winner will “vacation like a Beverly Hills housewife,” and the H-wives did take a trip to a French country manor in season nine after they flushed Lisa Vanderpump from their friend group like Yolanda on the master cleanse. That manor was actually in Provence and this one is in Champagne, an important distinction that is above my pay grade to fully unpack. Similarly…

The Housewives of Beverly Hills never actually went to Lake Como but this does seem like a trip fit for them. Am I uninformed, or does this seem like kind of a good deal? A private house in Lake Como for eight people for a week for about $22 grand? You definitely could do it cheaper and presumably one has to deal with their own airfare—but this is a fundraiser for the homeless and soon to be not toothless, after all. Like the trip to France and the other listed trip to Belize, these seem like the most bang for your buck.

As a 26-year-old gay guy, I did have to Google this one, and I learned that Sugar Ray Robinson is arguably the best boxer of all time and has been dead since 1989. Then I learned that this glove was signed by Sugar Ray Leonard not Sugar Ray Robinson. I was going to say that a signed glove by Robinson would be both a cool thing to have and a decent investment. A Leonard glove would probably be cool, too, although Leonard is still alive, so I imagine there will be other opportunities for him to sign gloves. I don’t know.

Steph Curry is someone else I don’t know a ton about, so I went to basketball expert and Jezebel staff writer Kylie Cheung who said he’s a great basketball player but also “a foot fetishist who hates poor people living near him.” I don’t really know what to make of that but I can’t completely condemn all of it. Buying his signed jersey wouldn’t necessarily be my first choice from this auction but I also think it could be a worthwhile endeavor for a basketball or foot enthusiast out there.

This feels like something my dad would have in the basement room that my mom let him turn into a “man cave.” This gold Abbey Road album with “Laser Signatures” belongs next to a 55-inch rear-projection television and a collection of barstools in a room that smells like mildewy carpet no matter how hard you try to clean it. But I know there’s someone in your life that would love this.