This Week In Tabloids: Timberlake's Getting Hitched on Friday, Jessica Biel Is All 'It's Gonna Be Me'

By Dodai Stewart | October 17, 2012 | 9:45pm

Celebrities

Welcome back to Midweek Madness! Every Wednesday, Intern Tanisha Love Ramirez goes to the newsstand and picks up the fresh-off-the-truck issues of In Touch, Us, Ok!, Life & Style, and Star. Then we read the “news” so you don’t “have” to. This week, Jennifer Lopez bought herself a diamond, which her boytoyfriend will use to propose with; Mila Kunis’s body is under scrutiny; Khloe and Lamar might get divorced; and Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel are getting married in Italy this week!

Ok!
“Kristen’s Twisted Double Life”
Oh, look, Kristen Stewart-bashing! K-Stew calls herself a “miserable cunt”; the mag calls her a lying, cheating “trampire.” We’re supposed to look down our noses at Kristen, judging her for having played video games with Taylor Lautner when Rob thought the two were running lines, and even “romancing her way down the show-business food chain” by hooking up with a Welcome to the Rileys‘ production assistant. Moving on to more mature matters. In what sounds like the plot from the next YA fiction frenzy, Maci Bookout is torn between her current boyfriend, Kyle King and her ex-boyfriend, Kyle Regal. We can’t wait to read how this one ends! Meanwhile, Jenelle Evans has moved on to a new boyfriend with an old police record, Courtland Rogers. And Amber Portwood’s baby-daddy, Gary Shirley, lies to their daughter, Leah, about Amber’s whereabouts, telling the tot that Amber is in California filming a movie. Lastly, Kimye are “back in love” and the not-yet-divorced Kim wants Kanye to propose with a ring bigger than both of their egos and Kris Humphries’ engagement ring, combined.
Grade: F (God Must Have Spent A Little More Time on You)

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Life & Style
“We’re Having Another Baby”
Giuliana and Bill Rancic are knee-deep in shitty diapers and loving it so much that they want to double — or possibly triple the fun! The pair who are not yet expecting another bambino, reveal that they want to possibly try for twins, and would love to have a little girl. “I think as a woman you always dream about having a little girl to wear matching outfits with. It’s going to be like those American Girl dolls, but with a real person.” Yes, just like dolls, who poop, vomit, have tantrums and a very shitty return policy. In an article written by Goldilocks, we learn that Mila Kunis was too skinny during her Black Swan days, too “lumpy” during her post-Black Swan days, and is now just right as a topless 123 pound cover girl for Esquire. Bachelorette Emily Maynard and fiancé Jef Holm are dunzo, as is evident by their newly changed Twitter profile pictures. Meanwhile the mag makes epic leaps to conclusions suggesting that RiRi is ready to wed Chris Brown because she was spotted eating, smiling and wearing a ring on THAT finger, as only engaged women are known to do. Also, it is assumed that Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rosdale are on the rocks because the couple was photographed leaving a couples’ counseling session, and were not smiling or skipping. Doom! In other news, Katie Holmes has gone street, trading in helicopters and chauffeurs for subway rides and taxi cabs since her divorce to Tom Cruise (Fig. 1). Finally, Kim Kardashian insists that Kanye West has better style than she does, and the mag invites us to play a rollicking game of “Who Styled Which Look?” (Fig. 2)
Grade: D- (Music Of My Heart)

In Touch
“My Baby Doesn’t Recognize Her Dad”
Same story, different week. Scott Disick parties, Kourtney Kardashian parents and we don’t give a single, solitary fuck. Tom Cruise is creeping out London party-goers, as he goes clubbing in an effort to stay “hip” and with it. Tyra Banks talks about herself for two pages, sharing that her ass and boobs are not gravity-proof, and divulges her secret to the perfect smize, saying “First make your mouth really dead-like a Novocaine mouth. Then, think about something you really want…You’ll get that twinkle in your eye.” But do we get the last two minutes of our lives back? Twinkle. Milia Kunis is going all single-white female on Demi Moore by being featured topless on the November issue of Esquire, when the entire world knows that Demi is THE ONLY celebrity to ever be featured topless on a magazine cover. Bobbi Kristina Brown’s concerned friends and family are so worried that she is headed down the same drug-riddled road as her mother, Whitney Houston, that they’ve turned to the only people who could help her: The tabloids. Moving on, in case you missed it last week, Brad Pitt channeled Bob Marley for an Interview magazine shoot (Fig. 3). Ancestry.com reveals that Ryan Gosling, Justin Bieber and Avril Lavigne are all decedents of the same 17th century French couple, making them long-long lost cousins. Finally, Katherine Heigl is making a political statement with her hair. (Fig. 4)
Grade: D- (I Want You Back)

Us
“Emily Tells Jef ‘We’re Done!'”
Snoozenews: Emily Maynard from The Bachelorette has been faking her relationship with Jef With One F ever since August. He agreed to keep quiet about her sexting NFL player Matt Leinart in exchange for a hundred grand or so, but lately she “couldn’t even stomach a fake relationship” and tomato, tomahto, they called the whole thing off. Yawn. If they’d stayed together for two years she could have kept the $68,000 engagement ring, shoot. Meanwhile, Courtney Robertson broke up with Ben The Bachelor and was seen on a date with Arie Luyendyk, so there’s more stupid “news” about these non-celebrities to come. Let’s move on. Katy Perry is playing hard to get and John Mayer likes that, so he’s chasing her again. The story about Justin Timberlake marrying Jessica Biel is confusing, because it’s worded thusly: “After a four-year love affair, Biel and Timberlake were set to tie the knot in a rustic ceremony in front of close friends and family in southern Italy on October 19.” Past tense verbs about something happening in the future! Guess since this issue is dated October 29 and will be on newsstands a while, the editors had to fudge it. In any case, the most exciting part of the piece is the news that Timberlake has been recording new tunes with Timbaland. YES. FINALLY. Bring it on in to Omletteville. Lastly, Did you know that Nick Cannon and Mariah Carey created a Wonka Candy Room in their LA home? It’s filled with candy. Mmm. Candy.
Grade: C- (Tearin’ Up My Heart)

Star
“$67 Million Divorce!”
This “world exclusive” called “Game Over” is about how Lamar is “on the verge” of leaving Khloe. So: No actual divorce, they’re still together, everybody calm down. A source claims Lamar yelled “you can’t give me kids — I’m out!” at Khloe before “storming out” of their house and heading to Vegas. Lies! We all know storming out is Brad Pitt’s thing. The “insider” claims that a baby is “the only thing” Lamar has been sticking around for, and since Khloe is not pregnant, Lamar had a “secret meeting with a divorce lawyer.” He wants to get out of the marriage and away from reality TV and focus on basketball and blah blah blah. If — if — they did get divorced, he’s worth a reported $56 million and she has netted $11 million in the past year, so that’s where the $67 million figure comes from. But this whole thing is what Joe Biden would call malarkey, so let’s move on. Christina Aguilera and Kelly Clarkson are not super skinny and somehow don’t hate themselves and that is news. Andy Cohen is a photobomber (Fig. 5). Mila Kunis has gained weight and been dressing sloppily and the marketing execs at Christian Dior don’t like it — and neither does Ashton Kutcher. Dior signed Mila when she was a “total waif,” but they didn’t know her Black Swan body wouldn’t last. And Ashton likes skinny gals, hence Mila’s “image crisis.” Matt Lauer is having a “meltdown” over the changes at the Today show, and the fact that his “marriage is in tatters.” Rebel Wilson says her family is the Australian version of Honey Boo Boo, and you know, that seems fair. Her parents are in the dog show business, and her siblings are named Liberty, Ryot and Annachi. Raise your hand if you would watch that show. What else? Britney went to get a manicure and was “robotic,” and her fiancé picked the color for her. Russell Crowe and his wife are dunzo. Kristen Stewart went to the Chateau Marmont by herself, spotted Justin Theroux there with a friend and approached Theroux. The friend left, and KStew was seen laughing and touching T-Roux’s hand. Girl, like you don’t have enough going on. Miranda Lambert is addicted to shopping online and Blake Shelton is sick of it. Lucy Hale of Pretty Little Liars got drunk at a club. Kat Von D and Deadmau5 have been dating for a month and are totes in love. Jennifer Lopez went to NYC’s diamond district and picked out an “eye-popping” stone she paid wholesale for, and now Casper Smart is designing a setting and will give her the ring on Christmas Eve. Get excited for a staged engagement! There’s a four-page story on “Tight Wads and Penny-Pinchers,” in which we find out that Angelina’s kids wear hand-me-downs; Kristen Bell loves coupons; once a homeless man asked Hayden Panettiere for money and she pulled out a twenty and asked him if he had change; Sam Worthington collects condiments from fast-food places so he never has to buy ketchup or soy sauce, and Mark Zuckerberg is “cheap.” Lastly: Snooki kicked Jionni out of bed. He’s been sleeping on the couch. She wants her old party-all-the-time life back, and a source says: “The relationship will be over shortly after the wedding airs. They will definitely break up.” (Again!)
Grade: D (This I Promise You)

Addendum

Fig. 1, from Life & Style

Fig. 2, from Life & Style

Fig. 3, from In Touch

Fig. 4, from In Touch

Fig. 5, from Star