This Week In Tabloids: Timberlake's Getting Hitched on Friday, Jessica Biel Is All 'It's Gonna Be Me'
Celebrities
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Welcome back to Midweek Madness! Every Wednesday, Intern Tanisha Love Ramirez goes to the newsstand and picks up the fresh-off-the-truck issues of In Touch, Us, Ok!, Life & Style, and Star. Then we read the “news” so you don’t “have” to. This week, Jennifer Lopez bought herself a diamond, which her boytoyfriend will use to propose with; Mila Kunis’s body is under scrutiny; Khloe and Lamar might get divorced; and Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel are getting married in Italy this week!
Ok!
“Kristen’s Twisted Double Life”
Oh, look, Kristen Stewart-bashing! K-Stew calls herself a “miserable cunt”; the mag calls her a lying, cheating “trampire.” We’re supposed to look down our noses at Kristen, judging her for having played video games with Taylor Lautner when Rob thought the two were running lines, and even “romancing her way down the show-business food chain” by hooking up with a Welcome to the Rileys‘ production assistant. Moving on to more mature matters. In what sounds like the plot from the next YA fiction frenzy, Maci Bookout is torn between her current boyfriend, Kyle King and her ex-boyfriend, Kyle Regal. We can’t wait to read how this one ends! Meanwhile, Jenelle Evans has moved on to a new boyfriend with an old police record, Courtland Rogers. And Amber Portwood’s baby-daddy, Gary Shirley, lies to their daughter, Leah, about Amber’s whereabouts, telling the tot that Amber is in California filming a movie. Lastly, Kimye are “back in love” and the not-yet-divorced Kim wants Kanye to propose with a ring bigger than both of their egos and Kris Humphries’ engagement ring, combined.
Grade: F (God Must Have Spent A Little More Time on You)
Life & Style
“We’re Having Another Baby”
Giuliana and Bill Rancic are knee-deep in shitty diapers and loving it so much that they want to double — or possibly triple the fun! The pair who are not yet expecting another bambino, reveal that they want to possibly try for twins, and would love to have a little girl. “I think as a woman you always dream about having a little girl to wear matching outfits with. It’s going to be like those American Girl dolls, but with a real person.” Yes, just like dolls, who poop, vomit, have tantrums and a very shitty return policy. In an article written by Goldilocks, we learn that Mila Kunis was too skinny during her Black Swan days, too “lumpy” during her post-Black Swan days, and is now just right as a topless 123 pound cover girl for Esquire. Bachelorette Emily Maynard and fiancé Jef Holm are dunzo, as is evident by their newly changed Twitter profile pictures. Meanwhile the mag makes epic leaps to conclusions suggesting that RiRi is ready to wed Chris Brown because she was spotted eating, smiling and wearing a ring on THAT finger, as only engaged women are known to do. Also, it is assumed that Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rosdale are on the rocks because the couple was photographed leaving a couples’ counseling session, and were not smiling or skipping. Doom! In other news, Katie Holmes has gone street, trading in helicopters and chauffeurs for subway rides and taxi cabs since her divorce to Tom Cruise (Fig. 1). Finally, Kim Kardashian insists that Kanye West has better style than she does, and the mag invites us to play a rollicking game of “Who Styled Which Look?” (Fig. 2)
Grade: D- (Music Of My Heart)
In Touch
“My Baby Doesn’t Recognize Her Dad”
Same story, different week. Scott Disick parties, Kourtney Kardashian parents and we don’t give a single, solitary fuck. Tom Cruise is creeping out London party-goers, as he goes clubbing in an effort to stay “hip” and with it. Tyra Banks talks about herself for two pages, sharing that her ass and boobs are not gravity-proof, and divulges her secret to the perfect smize, saying “First make your mouth really dead-like a Novocaine mouth. Then, think about something you really want…You’ll get that twinkle in your eye.” But do we get the last two minutes of our lives back? Twinkle. Milia Kunis is going all single-white female on Demi Moore by being featured topless on the November issue of Esquire, when the entire world knows that Demi is THE ONLY celebrity to ever be featured topless on a magazine cover. Bobbi Kristina Brown’s concerned friends and family are so worried that she is headed down the same drug-riddled road as her mother, Whitney Houston, that they’ve turned to the only people who could help her: The tabloids. Moving on, in case you missed it last week, Brad Pitt channeled Bob Marley for an Interview magazine shoot (Fig. 3). Ancestry.com reveals that Ryan Gosling, Justin Bieber and Avril Lavigne are all decedents of the same 17th century French couple, making them long-long lost cousins. Finally, Katherine Heigl is making a political statement with her hair. (Fig. 4)
Grade: D- (I Want You Back)