Have you heard? Gary Johnson—Libertarian third party candidate, former governor of New Mexico, avid outdoorsman—is cutting into Hillary Clinton’s lead against Donald Trump, despite the fact that he will likely not make it onto the debate stage.
Why is this happening? Sure, Gary Johnson is an affable guy. He likes weed, and immigration, and one time he climbed Mt. Everest and didn’t die. On the other hand, he doesn’t know what Aleppo is, and supports a consumption tax that would cripple poor Americans. Thirdly, he’s not going to win, and by voting for him or my good friend Jill Stein, you are helping to elect a baby hyena to our nation’s highest office. Adulthood, my fellow millennials, is about making shitty decisions, and this goofy cycling enthusiast is nothing but a mirage.
But if the arguments I have put forth have left you unmoved—“Syria, schmear-ia!”, you shrug—then who knows, maybe this will have an impact: Gary Johnson, like many proud Libertarians before him, cannot get dressed to save his life. A dealbreaker if there ever was one. How could he possibly run a country, if he can’t even get it together to not wear sneakers with his suits?
To provide evidence for these claims, here is a comprehensive list of the worst things Gary Johnson ever wore, in no particular order.
August 2016:
Gary Johnson, dressed in his everyday uniform of tight jeans and black Nike sneaks, addresses a crowd of supporters at a rally in Salt Lake City, Utah. Everyone seems to be listening; perhaps this is because they can’t see what’s happening below his button-down. His running mate Bill Weld, a confusing man of ever-shifting loyalties, evidently decided this would be the right moment to rock an oversized suede jacket.
April 2001:
Here is a younger Gary Johnson, then New Mexico’s governor, hanging out on CSPAN. It’s hard to say with absolute authority, since the image quality isn’t great, but that appears to be an autumn-themed tie.
July 2016:
Here, Gary Johnson made the absolutely shocking decision to wear an ill-fitting pink seersucker blazer and baby blue button-down on national television. You can’t un-see this, folks.
July 2016:
Most of this outfit is fine. Do you know what’s not fine? Those wraparound sunglasses perched on his head during an indoor interview with the Washington Post. We will encounter these sunglasses again, know that.
August 2016:
Here’s Johnson talking with CNBC about what will happen to his considerable exercise regimen in the nearly impossible event that he becomes president, and, yep, here are those sunglasses again, this time atop an entire outfit of spandex.
May 2016:
I’m not 100% sure what this necklace thing is, but below that, Johnson, apparently a big Nike fan, appears to be wearing a white Nike t-shirt. Happy to know that Gary is living a life of health and wellness, but this look would only work if he were delivering remarks on behalf of Planet Fitness.
August 2016:
Here’s Johnson with those sunglasses yet again, despite the fact that it doesn’t even look that sunny out. He appears to be wearing a Declaration of Independence t-shirt.
June 2016:
Johnson wore a white crewneck t-shirt and a black blazer to explain libertarianism to Samantha Bee, which is the only thing anyone really needs to know about libertarianism.
Here they are again, and along with his favorite Nike shirt, Johnson is wearing jeans—jeans—to go rock climbing. To be fair, Sam is not wearing the most appropriate outfit either. It has occurred to me that these jeans were likely below the blazer mentioned above, and this nylon Nike t-shirt was likely underneath it.
Right Now:
This is from his website. This is a brown mock-turtleneck.
September 2012:
There is nothing worse than this outfit. To break it down for you, we have: a gray peace sign t-shirt. Blue jeans. An apologetic expression. A fellow libertarian in a plaid newsboy cap. And a blazer whose apparent material disturbed me so much that I had to consult resident fashion expert Julianne Escobedo Shepherd to confirm:
I rest my case.
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Still here. Still without airbrushing. Still with teeth.
