A Foolproof Guide to Flirting, According to Science

Ah, flirting—one of life’s greatest mysteries! Right up there with Jimmy Hoffa’s bones and “Does grandpa have e-mail in heaven?” and “What is a Kellan Lutz?” and “Why doesn’t Barty Crouch Jr. just PORTKEY HARRY TO VOLDEMORT’S HOUSE ON DAY FUCKING ONE OF TERM instead of orchestrating a pointlessly elaborate long-con that involves blast-ended skrewts, the entire International Department of Magical Cooperation, and no guarantee whatsoever that Harry will even win the fucking trophy!?!?! Like, how about, ‘Hey, Harry, could you hold this quill for a second?’ BOOM, portkeyed.” When it comes to flirting—like all of these existential enigmas—the scientific community has remained woefully stumped. Until now!!!

New research out of Webster University in St. Louis has not only proven that “flirting works,” it also isolated the most and least effective flirting techniques—from “touching” to “not touching.” Huzzah for us all! Loneliness is abolished!

But, JK. What does it really mean to say that “flirting works”? Sure, flirting works when you’re good at flirting and you’re flirting with someone who wants to be flirted with. But can you “learn” to flirt? I’ve been pretty vocal about the fact that I think dating coaches and PUA tactics and “game” are cynical, coercive shams designed to bleed insecure men of their money and guilt/nag/intimidate women into unwanted sexual encounters.

In my experience (if you don’t mind taking flirting advice from people who have all-caps feelings about portkeys), they’re aiming at the wrong target entirely—you don’t need to “learn” to flirt, you need to “learn” to be the person you are. Or, for those of you enamored with economic metaphors, you can’t effectively “sell” yourself to potential partners if you don’t actually believe in your “product.” Nothing sets off women’s alarm bells like shaky confidence and transparent posturing and the implication that the person hitting on you thinks they deserve your body instead of like your whole package.

That said, I empathize with the chronically lonely and frustrated. I didn’t learn until my mid-20s that an amplified, no-fucks-given version of my genuine weirdo self was infinitely more attractive than the shy, stilted, Franken-hot-girl I kept trying to cram into ill-fitting Delia*s polos. Nobody was interested in miserable, starving Lindy who was too embarrassed to talk about dragons. Lots of people liked loud, fat Lindy who wasn’t afraid to read Lioness Rampant on the bus. Weird, I know.

So, for those people—for the people who have put in the self-acceptance elbow grease and still feel invisible and rejected—could science’s “flirting tips” be helpful? A little bit? Well, maybe.

I took a look at all of the advice that The Week managed to cull from the study, and, honestly, a lot of it sounds great, provided you already have a mutually consensual rapport with a person. If you don’t, it’s exactly the kind of presumptuous, invasive, predatory behavior that makes women want to find a hollow log or overturned bathtub and hermit-crab 4 life.

If you’re not a natural, flirting can be a tightrope walk. So let’s take a look at each piece of “successful” flirting behavior and break down the pros and cons.