Christmas is about fucking, and everyone who has thought about it for more than one minute knows that. Getting warm is about fucking. Fires are about fucking. Drinking eggnog is about drinking enough until you are a little bit farty but not too farty to fuck. Santa is a dad you’re secretly supposed to want to fuck (some—me—would say he’s the original dad along with God). The entire religious storyline is based explicitly on who Mary did or did not fuck, and then Jesus is born—and spoiler: every time someone is born it’s because other people did it.
That said, there is an argument to be made (I could even make it right now) that every single Christmas carol, and, I guess that would mean every single religious hymn, is ultimately about fucking. “I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas?” That’s about a dude who wants it to snow so that he can stay home and fuck. “Jingle Bells?” That’s about setting off on a sleigh expedition to get to someone you like so that you can fuck them. “The Little Drummer Boy?” That’s about a legendary boy who walks through a snowy Austrian town playing his little drum so the townspeople know it is fuck-o-clock.
But still, some holiday songs are more explicitly about fucking than others, and I feel that this is more honest. Here is a playlist of some of those honest songs, so you can celebrate the holiday for what it’s really about. (Note: There is no “Baby It’s Cold Outside” on this list because that song can fuck ITSELF!)
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Still here. Still without airbrushing. Still with teeth.
