All of Your Slutty Halloween Costumes Are Costing Us Billions

By Laura Beck | October 22, 2012 | 1:30pm

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It’s almost Halloween! Time to spend all the money we earned in October to get half-naked and binge on shitty candy. Seems reasonable, I’m into it. And so is half the United States, apparently. According to the Washington Examiner, Americans spend over $8 billion (BILLION) dollars a year on Halloween crapola. That’s a whole lotta sexxxy giraffe costumes and funsize Snickers bars, my friends.

The average consumer this year is expected to spend almost $80 on candy, costumes and cards alone, according to the National Retail Federation. But factoring in other activities like haunted houses and other seasonal attractions, total Halloween spending will hit a frightening $8 billion in the U.S. this year, the federation said.

Screeeew that, I’m staying in this year, and I suggest you do the same! Fun is overrated, said nobody but me. All you have to do is dim the lights and turn on the nightly news and you’re in a haunted house of epic proportions. Deep. That, or you all can come over and gather round my bank statement. Seriously, you’ll shit your pants (HA CHA CHA). Either that, or put Monster Mash (greatest song ever?) on repeat until midnight.