As you’ve heard, there’s a Total Solar Eclipse happening today at various times across the land, with varying visibility. We know what will happen: the moon will totally cover the sun as it makes its amazing orbital journey through the universe—an event rare for humans to witness.
We know people will view the eclipse through eclipse glasses and that many Americans have traveled to different cities for a better view of history. But also? We don’t know what will happen…
Everyone is prepared for the worst. Here’s what that could be:
- You burn your retinas due to the sun’s intensity, as warned by many scientists and your concerned dad
- Half the population gets raptured and you become a leftover
- Half the population gets raptured and you’re one of the people raptured and it’s not as nice as you thought
- A person you dislike live-tweets their eclipse viewing
- A person you like live-tweets their eclipse viewing—you no longer like them
- You hit traffic on your way to an eclipse viewing—can’t see it
- You experience a breakup or other tragic life event, just as Susan Miller forewarned
- It’s too cloudy
- A demon dragon zips through the sky—destroys an entire city
- You forgot to get eclipse glasses so you can’t do anything but look around at all the people who have glasses having all the fun
- You break your eclipse glasses
- You buy replacement eclipse glasses last-minute but they also break. You blame the eclipse
- You bought one of these recalled eclipsed glasses and just now realized it
- Those are just regular glasses!
- Taylor Swift releases a surprise album titled Becoming the Moon just as the moon covers the sun
- You’re inseminated by an eclipse baby
- You forget your brand’s eclipse promotion hashtag and no one will send it to you because they’re busy watching the eclipse
- God smites you for being so eclipse-thirsty
- You trip and fall as you’re squinting at the sky or something else bad happens because you’re not paying attention to your surroundings like your mother warned in the group text this morning
- Your pet freaks out for 5 minutes
- Your baby immediately turns into an adult and starts screaming in a baritone voice
- You decide to glance at the sun because why not, nothing will happen if you just take a glance. You immediately die
- Immaculate conception
- Twitter goes down but Facebook doesn’t
- You’re watching the eclipse through your glasses and someone next to you says “gnarly”
- The eclipse turns you into a wight walker
- You drove all the way to Iowa to see the eclipse but you’re in the wrong city
- You can’t get a good tan because the sun is covered by the moon
- You can’t stop thinking about how you got a good tan earlier in the day, but that might lead to skin damage down the road—miss the eclipse
- Your phone battery dies at the moment of the eclipse
- A long-lost relative texts or calls to ask “Did you see?”
- You feel like you’re not special
- A wolf gets confused and kills a lot of people
- You go up to your roof to see the eclipse and a dog on the roof bites you
- Then you fall off the roof
- You wonder what all the fuss is about and decide against participating in the ridiculous fanfare. You get a paper cut while faxing a document.
- You miss an important phone call while gazing
- The Wi-Fi you’re stealing from the nearby cafe stops working so you can’t even live-stream the eclipse. You order a macchiato to feel better and it doesn’t taste good
- You read a bad eclipse headline
- All the cucumbers in your kitchen spontaneously turn into pickles
- All the grapes in your kitchen spontaneously turn into raisins
- You realize the salad greens you were saving for a salad tonight are sort of
- You have the perfect highlights in your hair but the eclipse sun bounces off of it and burns everyone around you
- A feminist, a Nazi, and a Bernie supporter all lose their eyesight from watching the eclipse and they each write competing essays about the blinding eclipse and its ties to the Trump administration
GET JEZEBEL RIGHT IN YOUR INBOX
Still here. Still without airbrushing. Still with teeth.
