All the Demure & Sparkly Shit on the 70th Annual Emmys Red Carpet


It’s red carpet season again, friends, and today we are blessed with the distinction of the Emmys, honoring television that’s way better than movies and actors with fashion choices as eclectic as their acting ones. The theme tonight so far seems to be veering between super-sparkly and sweet and demure—except the queen Tiffany Haddish, never not having fun, getting her juicy fruit on.

Above, Clementine aka Angela Sarafyan is a space queen on a sparkly night sky; Michelle Dockery and Issa Rae are beautiful in tulle and blue; Mandy Moore’s in custom rust Rodarte.

Silicon Valley’s Amanda Crew and Suzanne Cryer are in the silver pantsuits of my disco and mariachi dreams; Felicity Huffman means business; Scarlett Johanssen and host Colin Jost are giving us old-world Hollywood; RuPaul and Michelle Visage matched footwear to appliqué. Sorry for cutting off Ross and Carson, but it’s just tuxes dude.

Padma Lakshmi is, appropriately, in tomato darting; Kristen Bell looks hella ice-queen, like she’s getting used to the bad place; Riverdale’s Madelaine Petsch knows how to choose a green to get her hair to Irish vibes; Marsai Martin is SUCH A YOUNG WOMAN, wild to see her grow up before our eyes and wear such a pretty tea-length tulle.

UGH Ryan Michelle Bathe and Sterling K. Brown never disappoint; that bird of paradise perched on her shoulder is giving me so much drama. Stefani Robinson’s tiers are lovely, though Tina Fey’s going-out gown is not doing it for me. Yvonne Orji’s mermaid gown is nice, and a reminder that she is NOT Molly, wearing some origami-ass confusing shit to a baby shower.

Go ‘head, Keri Russell, with that ostrich feather embellishment! Leslie Jones, in Christian Siriano as ever, is ALSO wearing my dream pantsuit except this one she’s taking to a rave that you gotta call six numbers to find the location for. Millie Bobby Brown’s a lil’ tulip, and Samira Wiley is vamping in full silver glam.

Emilia Clarke’s gown is Apollonia (6) on the top, Cersei on the bottom. Jessica Biel’s gown is, I shit you not, what I want to do with my hair: long asymmetrical cut and bleach it white. You think I can pull it off? Rachel Brosnahan’s de la Renta is simply divine, as is Sandra Oh’s smart, satiny thing.

THE UNDEFEATED. Tracee Ellis Ross is hands-down the best-dressed person in television, maybe Hollywood, probably greater Los Angeles. She knows what she likes, does what she wants, and knows that fashion is meant to be fun, and ALWAYS has it. Tracee, you are the MVP of every carpet, we salute you.

I don’t know, Thandie Newton’s a close second here. Praying to my pink Jesus that she and Tracee get together for some selfies by the end of the night. Amy Sedaris is giving everything you want Amy Sedaris to give, while Chrissy Metz is lovely with that boob-bow (sorry, I don’t know what else to call it, it’s a nice detail tho). Alison Janney is Krystle Carrington meets a fucked-up/legendary night at Studio 54 and I’m living.

Connie Britton, the woman who in my mind is my second mom because of Tami Taylor, is showing her support for weed leaves tonight, the herb lobby thanks you. Edie Falco, the woman who in my mind is my fucked up nurse because of Nurse Jackie, is here with some asymmetry for your unsuspecting ass. Evan Rachel Wood is in a blue ribbon, which represents support for reunifying separated immigrant families. Kirsten Dunst, here with her husband Meth Damon Jessie Plemons, looks great in navy, newly mommed (but not my mom).

Ilana Glazer and Abbi Jacobsen are doing a good job of not matching but complimenting, it’s a fashion script. Sarah Paulson’s dramatic ostrich gown is great and also makes me excited for the second episode of AHS: Apocalypse which is so far my extreme shit. Yara Shahidi’s melon gown is pure Donna Summer in Miami, while Zazie Beetz in velvet is the queen of all the land in a fantasy series. (Could see it!)

This? This is Chrissy Teigen, keeper of my latest existential crisis? Maybe from now on she should just go mononymously, to avoid pain/confusion.

Gwendoline Christie is a couture-ass muhfucka and don’t you ever forget it. Maya Rudolph and Natasha Lyonne both went lace Gunne Sax, but I love Regina King’s simple neon green number; subtly outrageous, fancy but not trying to sit down.

A story in eras: Ann Dowd in ‘80s abstraction, Elisabeth Moss and Claire Foy in ‘90s minimalism, Emily Heller in 2020 realness with a freaking GETTY IMAGES purse. Thank you Emily Heller for bringing some levity to this urine-colored carpet!

Carrie Brownstein looking goth, it suits her. Kate McKinnon’s belted thing is underwhelming me, but I love Aidy Bryant’s sparkly mermaid sequins and Megan Mulally’s stunning tulip dress. Susan Kelechi Watson Jess Hilarious is doing good in this ‘90s style look; the looser fit is suiting everyone, not a dad pun. [CORRECTION 9/18: A reader informs me that this is actually Jess Hilarious, not Susan Kelechi Watson! I would like to blame Getty Images, but my personal rule is always doublecheck the labeling on Getty Images because people of color are misidentified there all the time. But I cannot blame them because I did not follow that rule here and fucked up. I deeply regret the error!)

The Fab Five are all characters and dressing in type, but no one looks better than Karamo Brown cosplaying sex equestrian in, like, Outlander (I presume).

Nathalie Emmanuel always looks great, though the simplicity of this gown is not doing it for me. Holland Taylor’s roses are nice enough, but the true winner here is Sydelle Noel, whose snake detailing is high glam and slinky to the very end.

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