Amy Schumer’s Nonchalant Divorce Announcement

If you follow Amy Schumer on Instagram, first of all, why? Second of all, you a) probably already know what I’m going to tell you and b) have suspected it for a while: She’s getting divorced.

After a month or so of rumors, she posted a photo of her and Chris Fischer sitting on the subway looking fairly uncomfortable—Schumer’s smile is giving “just take the damn picture already” and the caption is giving “Cool Girl™ divorce announcement”:

“Blah blah blah Chris and I have made the difficult decision to end our marriage after 7 years. We love each other very much and will continue to focus on raising our son. We would appreciate people respecting our privacy at this time. blah blah blah not because I dropped some lbs and thought I could bag a basket ball player and not because he’s a hot James beard award winning chef who can still pull some hot tail. Amicable and all love and respect! Family forever.”

Her celeb friends loved it. “Best announcement,” commented Andy Cohen. “It’s so damn hard without having it be hard for the world to see… so when the world sees I’ll just say be extra gentle with yourself,” said Sophia Bush (who knows a thing or two about messy public divorces, including her girlfriend Ashlyn Harris’). Wanda Sykes commented two heart emojis. Sharon Stone commented six clap emojis. Erin Foster called it the “perfect breakup announcement.”

Divorce rumors have been circling Schumer for more than a month, perhaps triggered by her Instagram comment on November 6, when she wrote, “Chris and I are still married.” I guess it was true in a legal sense, but it seems an unnecessarily weird thing to publicly declare when you’re probably in the middle of realizing your marriage is not long for this world. But Schumer continued to engage in Very Divorced Behavior, including posting multiple series of thirst-trap-y photos in which she is conspicuously not wearing her wedding ring.

And while we’re on the subject of those thirst traps, anyone with eyes will see that Schumer’s done more than “drop a few lbs.” She was open about how Ozempic did not work for her, but it appears that Mounjaro very much has. This is not the place for me to write my opus about how disheartening it is to see the few famous women who wore a 6 or an 8 (or gasp! A 10 or 12!!!) shrink down to the same body, but … man is it disheartening to see the few famous women who wore above a size 4 shrink down to the same body.

Anyway, I digress. And I disagree with Schumer’s famous friends; I think this is one of the most annoying breakup announcements since “consciously uncoupling” but whatever. Now I’m hoping Schumer’s spotted out with an NBA star sometime soon, if only for the joke.

---

Amanda Seyfried: “Socialism is a gorgeous idea.” Preach! [Variety]

Los Angeles police have launched a murder investigation after Rob Reiner and his wife, Michele, were found dead in their Brentwood home last night. What an awful story. [ABC7]

Taylor Swift’s football fiancé lost last night; Hailee Steinfeld’s football husband won. This probably means something for the playoffs but you’ll have to read about that elsewhere. [ESPN]

“Saturday Night Live Recap: Josh O’Connor Kissed Everyone Except [Me].” 🙁 🙁 🙁 [Vulture]

“I gave u 50,000 a month for 20 years. … I have been fighting for my kids love and my bread ever since,” Russell Simmons wrote on Threads (lol), addressing Kimora Lee Simmons. Not sure publicly invoking alimony is the play to get back in your kids’ lives. [Page Six]