Calvin Harris Is Perfectly Fine

By JE Reich  |  August 3, 2016 | 1:25am
CelebritiesDirt Bag

As the portmanteau’d PR chimera Hiddleswift continues to grow larger and larger while it feasts upon whatever is left of Tom Hiddleston’s dwindling soul, Calvin Harris wants you to know that Calvin Harris is doing just fine! perfectly fine!, perfectly so so so awesome!, and not thinking of how life is an existential wasteland!

Indeed, Taylor Swift’s most recent ex is doing great!, really great!, according to an anonymous source who spotted Harris at the Hollywood night club Warwick last week. As per the source, the Scottish DJ “sat at his own private table full of about eight to 10 girls” and was “in great spirits,” though it was unclear as to whether his eyes were deadened and lightless as he pantomimed the rote motions of other people, people he imagined did not feel so, so alone.

“Girls were surrounding his table and snapping photos, trying to make their way closer to him,” described the party-goer. It is not known whether Harris slightly tilted his head and whispered to no one “…what is this mortal coil?” before being forced back into the prison of reality myriad camera flashes, reminding him of the infinite number of potential selfies that are used to deflect the banal matter of our day-to-day.

Harris was also spotted with soccer star Cristiano Ronaldo and actor Wilmer Valderrama, the former of whom “greeted him with a high five before going to a separate table,” because the loneliness of man is the human condition.

You see? We’re all going to be fine! Right? Riiiiight?

[People]