Charming Fundamentalist Pastor Arrested For Masturbating At Children's Playground

Louisiana Rev. Grant Storms was taken into custody after two female park employees caught him masturbating in the driver’s seat of his van. Christian Fundamentalists have masturbating-inside-a-van needs too, you know! The Reverend was apparently parked in close proximity to the carousel and to the children’s playground, (obviously so he could make sure no one was doing anything evil over there).

Storms is an outspoken protester of local gay festival “Southern Decadence” and is known for arming his followers with bullhorns, Bibles, and picket signs opposing such alternative lifestyles. In addition to his opposition to gay sex, we have a sneaking suspicion that Storms’ list of behaviors he finds deplorable also includes denim-on-denim ensembles and dancing — but (logically) excludes “thinking about having gay sex with a young man dancing around in denim cut-offs while you masturbate in a public park full of children.” See the difference? I’m sure the biblical distinction between the two behaviors is buried somewhere in Leviticus but who has the time to check?