Stuart Cobb, a student at the University of Denver, has made sure he’ll never get a date again by writing a tragically unfunny piece titled “Seven women you’ll meet at DU.” Stuart is practically fishing for scorn. I’ll bite!
Cobb’s drivel is just about as bad as it gets. The college senior has assembled a list that insults rich women, women on scholarship, women who like having casual sex, women who just want to get married, and, to top it all off, women with mental health issues. He actually starts off his list with the most offensive of the bunch: the “Where’s my medication?” Girl. “Do you know what you get when you combine twenty years worth of ‘inattentive daddy-issues’ with some douchey ex-boyfriends and a slight chemical imbalance?” he asks. You get a crazy bitch who will break all your stuff, obviously! But more importantly, you get a slut: “Should you be unlucky enough to find yourself in the presence of such a female do yourself a favor and run, unless, of course, she’s easy. Don’t worry, she will be.” Yes, you heard that right. Women with problems are easy, so guys should take advantage of their issues before turning heel.
But Cobb likes sluts, for the most part (he cautions male readers to bring “mouthwash and latex gloves” to any encounter with no. 2, the “Bottom-Feeder”). He’s not particularly into the Activist Girl (silly activist girl! who gave you the right to have opinions?) or the Trustafarian (major sins: having money and unshaven legs). He also dislikes girls on scholarship because they dress ugly and are unwilling to touch his penis. Finally, the seventh type of girl you’ll meet at DU is the “The beautiful, engaging, and somehow well-adjusted girl you bring home to mom.” Cobb immediately pulls a Borat-style Not! before the “joke” has even had a second to sink in. These girls – the “good ones” – go to Stanford. According to Cobb, there are no women attending DU that are worthy of his affection. Lucky them.
It’s pretty clear why Cobb’s article is loathsome. He uses his school paper as a platform from which he can shame and insult the entire female population of DU. However, instead of continuing to rant at Cobb, I decided to make my own little list: