Comment of the Week: ‘Subtract Another 2 Inches’

This is an important takeaway from MAGA’s micropenis war.

By Lauren Tousignant  |  March 22, 2026 | 12:07pm
Photo: iStockphoto Entertainment
Comment of the Week: ‘Subtract Another 2 Inches’

Apart from democracy and the right to protest your government without getting killed, one thing MAGA has thoroughly ruined in this country is unironically wearing red, white, and blue. Was it always cheesy as hell? Yes. Was it ever a flattering color combination? Definitely not. Did that stop any of us from gleefully suiting up with stars-and-stripes patterned tanks, shorts, and bandanas for the Fourth of July—or to shotgun Bud Lights at a Kenny Chesney No Shoes Nation concert at summer’s sunburnt peak? Never. It’s the United States Martha Washington wanted.

Wear an American flag-anything now, and you might as well wear a sign that reads “I Simp for Trump.” Poor Taylor Swift hasn’t even been able to throw her Fourth of July cookouts—which were dripping in red, white, and blue wear—since 2016 (though there was one American flag towel spotted in 2023). With that said, this week’s winning comment comes from @Ralp Wiggum Civil War, who commented on “ICYMI: This Week MAGA had a ‘Micropenis War”:

Every time you see an American flag lapel pin on a middle-aged man, subtract another 2 inches.

The American flag lapel pin on a middle-aged man in question is Mark Levin, a Fox News host who got into it last week with Megyn Kelly, because Kelly is against the war in Iran, which Levin seems horny for. He tweeted that she’s “utterly toxic” and has never made “an intelligent, thoughtful, or substantive comment.” Broken clocks! In response, Kelly said Levin has a micropenis. They’re both right. I’ve never doubted that there are millions of micropenises in the MAGA world. Sad!

See you next week. Until then, consider detoxing with some Non-Earth News. 

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