Dirt Bag: Joe Simpson Is Totally Definitely Not Gay, Says Some Random Guy

By Jezebel | November 2, 2012 | 12:07am

Celebrities Dirt Bag

Someone named Lane Garrison, who was apparently on Prison Break, says he doesn’t for ONE MINUTE believe the gay rumors about Papa Joe Simpson:

“I don’t believe any of the stories that suggest Joe had relationships with other men while he was married to Tina,” Lane said in an exclusive interview.

“They are the perfect family, and I got a chance to see that when I lived with them first hand. I grew up with Jessica and Ashlee, and Joe and Tina were incredibly nice to me and treated me like their own son.

“Joe was especially important in my life because he helped me get to where I am today. Our families know each other well, even my sister works as one of his assistants.

Yeah, his PENIS ASSISTANTS!!! FOR WHEN HE USES HIS PENIS! WITH OTHER DUDES!!!!!!!!!!! GAYLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [Radar]

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Selena Gomez would like you to know that she is BFFs with Taylor Swift and when she gets sad “I fly to Taylor.”

“I actually did talk to Taylor last week, and we were like, ‘I don’t even remember the last time I saw you,” which is really unfortunate,” she said. “But if it gets too dire, I fly to Taylor or I fly home or I fly to Justin.”

“Taylor’s amazing,” Selena gushed of the 22-year-old country-pop star. “She’s so smart and sweet and humble-and she’s way more successful than I am! So when I see her after everything she’s been through and she just wants to go home and bake cookies with me, that to me is awesome.”

Fun fact: Selena Gomez was taught to fly by Jeff Daniels in a giant bionic goose costume. [E!]

Wendy Williams asked Halle Berry if she would be willing to put on 100 pounds for a role and Halle Berry was like:

“My heart would say yes because I feel like I would do anything for my craft, but my brain would say no because I’m diabetic and what that might do to me on a health level could be really dangerous so that’s probably the real reason I wouldn’t.

“Taking care of my health and keeping my weight a certain (level) is really very much a part of taking care of myself and being healthy and because I’m a mum now, I wouldn’t take risks like that.”

‘Kay. Sounds like a plan. In other news, I hate it when American people say “mum” instead of “mom.” (DITTO ARSE.) [ContactMusic]

Also, Halle Berry says her daughter Nahla “prays every night” for a sibling. [People]

Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart wore creepy masks and held hands. [E!]

Jodie Foster is winning the Cecil B. DeMille award for her “incredible longevity.” A lot of people don’t know this, but Jodie Foster is actually 109 years old. [ContactMusic]

Gary Sinise says he has no memory of almost dying in a car crash on his way to visit some wounded soldiers in the hospital. (Possibly because the reporter asked Colin Hanks about it instead?) [ContactMusic]

Steve Aoki has canceled his concert tonight out of respect to the victims who were crushed to death at his concert last night. [MTV]

Here’s Jennifer Lawrence and Josh Hutcherson being FUCKING ADORABLE at a haunted house. [Crushable]

An X Factor contestant is in the hospital after eating a poisoned submarine sandwich. [TMZ]

Here’s how to do your makeup like an undead walking corpse. [E!]