It is the end of January and soggy, abandoned suede couch Donald Trump is still leading in the polls. Who is doing this? Stupid America. Why are they doing it? Because they are scared.
A team of hardened CNN reporters spoke with over 150 Trump supporters and undecided rally attendees in 31 cities to understand why this anthropomorphic STD had seen such massive success. The answer will not surprise you.
Scared of Immigrants
“The people that are coming here from China, Indonesia and all of them countries, they’re getting pregnant and coming here and having babies,” said Paul Weber, an Iowan who described himself as “kind of a redneck”: “They get everything and the people that were born here can’t get everything.”
“I come home and someone’s occupying my house and they’re eating my food and then they’re taking the kids from my bed; they’re taking the money out of my pocket,” said Deena from South Carolina, probably speaking figuratively. “Why should we have to support someone else and then make our kids suffer, our families suffer?”
Scared of Muslims
“Islam is traced patrilineally. I am a Muslim if my father is Muslim. In that sense, it is undeniable that Barack Obama was born a Muslim,” said Michael Rooney, a respiratory therapist. “It is true that [Obama] now identifies as a Christian in the same sense that Bruce Jenner identifies as a woman.”