Ed Sheeran, a 25-year-old English teddy bear manufactured by Swift Industries Ltd., released a new comedy short/music video entitled “Shape of You” Monday morning. In it, the singer unconvincingly portrays a boxer who begins holding hands with, kissing, and perhaps even fucking a woman who is considerably more believable as a boxer than he is.
Their romance begins the way I assume all Sheeran’s relationships do—with a woman accidentally bashing him in the face with a locker door in the back of a run-down GM somewhere in America’s rust belt. “Oh, my nose,” he seems to say, as she covers her mouth to contain the laughter.
“Don’t worry about it,” he appears to respond. “I’m going to write a song about wanting to fuck you now.” She is charmed by this, and they begin a brief relationship that somehow leads to Sheeran fighting a sumo wrestler. If it sounds like I missed a few beats of their romantic journey, it’s because those beats do not exist.
“Shape of You,” while a catchy enough song that I will no doubt bop to several times over the next few months, is not a particularly effective as a sexy music video. But it is funny enough to make GIFs out of, so I suppose that makes it a success
Here’s Ed Sheeran punching a bag:
Here’s Ed glancing at a lady and thinking, “I want to sex her”:
Here’s that same lady saying, “No”:
Here they are doing finger stuff:
Here they are doing mouth stuff:
Here they are doing whatever this is:
Here’s Ed getting so angry that he kicks over a locker:
Here’s Ed getting so angry that he flips a tire:
Here’s Ed misremembering the final scenes of The Wrestler as super exciting and triumphant:
And here’s the end, which dramatically cuts to the credits as though its just served its audience a satisfying conclusion even though it actually made no sense:
BONUS: Here’s Kara Brown “accidentally” hitting Ed with a locker door:
