Every Way Jezebel Described Donald Trump During the Presidential Election 

My doves. My lambs. My exhausted little baby angels, bruised as though we’d all fallen down a ladder stretching from Heaven into the lowest fetid depths of Hell itself. What a terrible, terrible journey we’ve taken together, from the moment in June 2015 when Donald Trump, a ballot box stuffed with rotted meat, sailed down an escalator, into the presidential election, and lodged in my most ochre nightmares.

The only thing that even slightly numbed the pain of this horrific odyssey for the staff of Jezebel.com was making up descriptions of Donald Trump, ones that adequately suited his nightmare face, hideous personality, and repugnant beliefs. And now, we are tired. We are disillusioned. We have a persistent cluster headache and a scaly rash that won’t go away. But here, for your final perusing pleasure, is damn near every word we used to describe Trump during the million years he was running for office.

As you’ll see, 2015 is broken down by year, while 2016 becomes increasingly frantic and disorganized. That’s because it is — let’s be extremely real— a ragged list that I pulled together over the last few days, pausing occasionally to drink gin and cry at my desk.

It’s fine. Somehow, we’re going to be fine. Unless we elect this Taki-colored shaved baboon and then we are not fine at all.

2015

January

• A really relaxed guy

February-May

June

• An ambitious corn dog that escaped from the concession stand at a rural Alabama fairground, stole an unattended wig, hopped a freight train to Atlantic City and never looked back

• Orange asshat

• Four-time bankruptcy filer and seething hernia mass