I managed to get a hold of the David E. Kelley-written, NBC-ordered-and-then-cast-aside-in-shame Wonder Woman pilot over the holiday weekend. After I watched it, I became horribly ill. Was the Wonder Woman pilot to blame? Yes. Absolutely it was. There is no doubt in my mind that Wonder Woman was so terrible it attacked my auto-immune system, and caused flu-like symptoms that I’m experiencing even now.
Many of you have had questions about the pilot. You’ve asked these questions so frequently, in fact, that I felt I needed to do something about it. Something special. I’ve been compelled to break out something I only rarely feel up to doing — an Official Topless Robot FAQ. This is, I believe, everything you need to know about the Wonder Woman TV show pilot. Hope it helps!
What’s Wonder Woman’s origin in the series?
It appears to be that she’s an Amazon who has come to the world of men and is using her powers to make a difference. She says as much to Steve Trevor at one point, and someone else makes a mention that she’s not actually human later, alluding to her “made-of-clay” origin. Also, there’s a ton of ancient Greek shit all over Themyscira Industries, in case you forget that she’s technically an Amazon. But other than that, nothing is specifically stated. It’s a bit awkward.
What’s been carried over from the comics?
Not much. She has her bullet-deflecting bracelets. She has her lasso, which a newscaster calls her “Lasso of Truth,” but she doesn’t make anyone tell the truth with it. She has a tiny jet that she uses to fly around a little bit, but it’s not invisible. Steve Trevor is the guy she’s left to go be Wonder Woman in Los Angeles, who shows back up at the end of the episode to be a long-running “will they ever get together?” love interest.
Does she really have three Wonder Woman outfits?
Yes, but there’s no particular reason for them. They don’t do anything different. No one talks about the differences. She just has three different outfits. It should be noted she does do the final fight scene in the bikini bottom outfit, though.
Does she really play three roles — Wonder Woman, Diane Themyscira, and Diana Prince?
Yes and no. See, the world knows that Diana Themyscira, CEO of Themyscira Industries, is Wonder Woman. There’s no secret identity there whatsoever. Diana Prince, as far as I can tell, is not actually Diana Themyscira’s fictional assistant, but is actually just a fake name Diana uses to rent a mediocre apartment “so she can live like a normal person” with a cat and watch chick flicks and eat ice cream at night.
Ugh. Sounds like David E. Kelley at his worst.
Actually, I refuse to believe David E. Kelley actually had any part in this. I’ve actually liked David E. Kelley shows before. I enjoyed much of Boston Legal and when my wife made me watch some Ally McBeal, I thought it was pretty good too. David Kelley shows may be insanely liberal, but they’re rarely dumb, and at the very least, there’s usually some wonderfully clever dialogue. Wonder Woman has neither intelligence nor wit.
So what’s the plot of the pilot?
Veronica Cale is somehow selling evil performance-enhancing drugs which sometimes turns people into horrible mutants, and sometimes makes them bleed from their eyeballs and then makes their heart explode. Presumably it also works just fine, sometimes, too, because otherwise no one would take it. Oh, also Cale is selling these drugs to “poor kids” “in the ghetto” just in case you weren’t 100% sure she was evil. Wonder Woman is determined to stop this evilness.
How does she do this?
Well, first she chases down the bald-headed thug from this picture, who both sells the drugs and takes the drugs, as evidenced by the fact he can run through the streets of L.A. at a speed Wonder Woman has trouble matching. Eventually she uses her lasso, catches him, takes some of his blood, and passes him off to the cops.
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