This is the fifteenth and final week of Jezebel’s first annual Fantasy Kardashian-Jenner League, a fantasy league about the Kardashians, the Jenners, and closely-related family members. The rules are here. The season ends today.
Everyone and no one! But also, Team Bible, because Kim Kardashian is still apparently the most bankable and bloggable member of this family, despite swift ascensions by Kendall and Kylie in recent years.
This season was rough, it was tumble, it was marked by an astonishing preponderance of FitTea #spon posts, but it taught us some fundamental truths about life: being a member of the world’s most famous family isn’t all roses and Balmain, and it can even be a struggle despite well-selling advice books and perfectly styled (by a stylist) paparazzi shots of you walking to or from the gym. What really succeeded in this first annual Fantasy Kardashian-Jenner League, the most important sport that ever occurred, was savviness about the draft, just as with any lesser sport. Team Bible bested the others because of Coach Clover Hope’s gimlet-eyed perspective about this tough business, and because of one smart foresight only she was anticipating: the popping of that miracle baby, the one true lord (no diss to Disick), Saint [no middle name] West. That kid is gonna be a hall-of-famer, and the rest of us will learn forever from Coach Hope’s strategy. If you can’t cook, don’t bother entering the kitchen.
And now, with great melancholy, the final scores before we bid thee adieu until next season:
Team Nobody
Kylie Jenner
Blog mentions: +44
App/ lip kit mentions: +5
Red carpet appearance: +5
Rob Kardashian
Blog mentions: +10
Bambi, Norman and Other Dog Jenner:
Blog mentions: 0
Reign Disick
Blog mentions: +0
Total yardage: 64
Performance summary: Damn, thank GOD this season’s over. I’ve learned a lot by coaching Team Nobody, mostly about how the Kardashian-Jenner clan balances their precise blend of Bland & Deeply Fucked Up, which I have still managed to never be exposed to in video/TV form. This week’s got plenty of examples: Rob Kardashian made the news only because Khloe insisted on using his damn diabetes diagnosis as a way of promoting her new fitness book (she kept saying that his best revenge would be getting healthy; as Clover asked in Slack, why does Rob need revenge again?). Khloe also suggested on their TV show that she, Kylie and Tyga come up with a threesome couple name, which is sort of funny only because that name could be Kygo, but again: blandly, deeply fucked up. The dogs and the baby are missing (damn guys… bye forever tbh); Kylie looked xanny as hell on the Globes red carpet and deliberately see-through at the gym. Says the TMZ headline: “Kylie Jenner: I’d Like You to Meet Seymour Butt,” and here’s the lede of that story:
Kylie Jenner strategically used a Louis Vuitton purse to shield the goods, but the stairway to the gym became a stairway to heaven.
Here’s what’s not a stretch … she looks hot.
I have learned no kinship with the Kardashian-Jenners, but unfortunately, I’m starting to feel it for the insane vultures at TMZ. —Jia Tolentino
Team Bible
Kim Kardashian
Blog mentions: +21
App mentions: +3
product shilling: -5 (Lumee phone case)
Caitlyn Jenner
Blog mentions: +5
Monthly magazine cover: +20 (The Advocate)
Leah Jenner
Baby photo: +5
Saint West
Blog mentions: +3
Total yardage: 52
Performance summary: My MVP embarrassingly failed to step up in the playoffs, but thank goodness sporting is a team sport. Family is a team sport. Winning is a team sport. While Kim was spending more time Snapchatting with DJ Khaled (which I really can’t complain about; I’d jump at the opportunity too) and promoting Kanye songs than tweeting obsessively about her own entities, Caitlyn came through in the cli-zutch. Not sure where we’d be if it weren’t for that last second Advocate cover to take us into overtime. (Kim is still on the court schilling Lumee selfie cases). And then, from Lucifer’s frozen chambers, an angel emerged. It was Leah, She Who Does Nothing, coming off the bench to score a vital baby-related buzzer beater to win the game. This, and the entire Kardashian Fantasy League experience, should be an important lesson to us all—doing nothing until the very end is the key to life.—Clover Hope
Team I Thought You Hate Hot Pink
Kourtney Kardashian
Blog mentions: +33
App mentions: +3
Red carpet appearance: 5 (Golden Globes)
Racialist insta: -5 (Is that a frickin tortilla in her friend’s mouth, like…)
Scott Disick
Blog mentions: +16
MJ Shannon
Mason Disick
Total Yardage: 52
Performance Summary: It’s been a rough year for Team I Hate You Hot Pink, which stumbled into all the drama—Scott’s rehab, Kourt’s Bieber gallavanting—and yet didn’t really glean any of the points from it. As coach, I don’t attribute our year as League underdogs to the failings of two major players to really deliver; I attribute it to the fact that my MVPs are just too damn normal to really dazzle the way some of the teams that bested us did, with their true-life probs like splits and child-rearing and going to the gym and buying $6 million homes in Calabasas to stay sober. It’s just too relatable, and that didn’t translate on the field; the most yardage Kourt got in any given week was off the Daily Mail’s pervish and nigh-stalkery attention to her taut bod or her strong legs or her sickening abs, because someone over there got to chill. Well, creepy Daily Mail staffer, I thank you at the very least for the plays, the points, the experience, for you and your wolfish objectification helped me skate by without too much humiliation, even though you should probably get that shit checked out by a professional. Au revoir, motherfuckers. We’ll see you next year.—Julianne Escobedo Shepherd
Team Bush & The Tush
Kendall Jenner
Blog mentions: +30
Corey Gamble
Blog mentions: +3
North West
Blog mentions: +7
Brandon Jenner
Blog mentions: +1!!!
Total Yardage: 41
Performance Summary: Well team, this is what it’s come to. It feels like only yesterday that Kendall seemed like she going to give us a shot at the big win, what with starting the season off with multiple Vogue appearances. While she certainly gets the MVP slot, her atypically non-aggressive Kardashian-Jenner manner wasn’t enough for the big leagues. She did her best, but some of this was my fault: I should never have drafted Corey, he simply wasn’t ready to get off the bench (for instance, this week he was upstaged by a deadanimal carcass). And North—well, she’s needs years of work if she’s really going to Keep Up with her Kardashian blood. Simply “accidentally” tweeting out photos on her mom’s phone and having your cousin appear in some cute paparazzi photos wearing your hand-me-downs is not going to cut it. It’s fitting, I suppose, that Brandon Jenner successfully punted the ball during our final game; frankly, after all we’ve been through, I’ve given up the resentment and only have best wishes for Brandon. I hope retirement is good to him, and that he doesn’t discover a few years down the line that proximity to his extended family has melted his brain into a soft, jelly-like goo. (For that matter, I hope the same for myself.) —Kate Dries
Team the Gross Fan
Khloe Kardashian
Blog mentions: +19
App mentions: +6
Kris Jenner
Blog mentions:+5
Penelope Disick (daughter of Kourtney and Scott)
Casey Jenner Brody Jenner
Total yardage: 30
Performance summary: Thirty. Thirty! 30. Is this my lowest score of the entire season? Perhaps. Perhaps not. I don’t feel like checking because I’m far too excited to finally extricate myself from this nightmarish league—a league for which I was forced to draft some of the most uncooperative and disappointing team members from the entire Kardashian-Jenner family. Throughout the past couple months I have been embarrassed week after week by these losers and their lack of commitment to the game, and am relieved beyond comprehension to have them out of my life for good.
And now, Team The Gross Fan will say goodbye to its gross team forever:
“Good night, you princesses of E!, you queens of Calabasas.”
