Finally, It Is Every Beautiful and Terrible Look From the Oscars Red Carpet

A Getty images photo is a really harsh way to learn that your famous crush (Utkarsh Ambudkar) is not only married and having a kid, but also married to such an elegant and stunning person (NAME UKNOWN TO THE MASSES) with a lovely choice of gown! Ugh, at least I can take solace in the fashion risks that Norwegian singer Aurora (pristine kicks) and Julia Butters (drown me in tulle, daddy Siriano!) are delivering.

America Ferrera is giving me big pregnancy photoshoot energy; Idina Menzel is a doll in hot pink; Questlove literally never changes his style and I respect it; Regina King is absolutely stunning in this beaded blush jernt, you must clock the detailing when she shows up on the teevee.

HELLO! Les Mis director Ladj Ly (middle) and star Djibril Zonga (right) with cast and crew from the movie are indeed a crew (I would try to accost at the Governors Ball).

Chrissy Metz and Sigourney Weaver both in that standard Events Drape gown; Spike Lee, with Tonya Lewis Lee, I guess had a custom Kobe memorial tribute tux made!

Here is a family for you: Laura Dern in some sort of 1950s-alluding boudoir thing, mother Diane Ladd fully stunting, and Dern kids Ellery Harper and Jaya Harper looking like they cannot wait to leave this place and go terrorize some kind of LA teen Oscars afterparty where such illicit things go on, none of us can imagine, like hardcore vape rips.

Caitronia Balfe is Ursula on the bottom, Ariel up top; Mindy Kaling should always wear that shade of rich yellow; Vanessa Nadal (with husband Lin-Manuel Miranda) is a queen in that embellished caping.

I admire Billie Eilish because she can make any high-end designer, like Chanel for instance, look like it was a bootleg made by any random dirtbag stoner/skater from a mid-range city in 1994. She absolutely dresses like this kid named [REDACTED] who I used to hang out with in high school until he was expelled for doing acid during school hours. She is going to kickflip that Chanel shit into the ground.

And because Billie Eilish represents the entirety of Generation Z according to E’s red carpet broadcast, it is time for me, Julianne Escobedo Shepherd, a Gen X-er, to cede tonight’s musings to the youth—namely, Joan Summers, who will be your host for the rest of tonight’s proceedings. Thank you for reading thus far.

Joan, what do you think about Billie’s outfit? Do you think she is a proper and appropriate representative for your entire generation?

Joan: My immediate thought was that this look is dumb as hell. I understand what she and her stylist were going for—oversized, and a fun spin on the Chanel’s reputation as being for old ladies with creepy-looking dogs in their purses! But there is no forgiving the fit of the pant. I also wish the smudged, black was a motif carried throughout the rest of the outfit. That would’ve elevated this fit beyond the costume-y place it has unfortunately sunk to.

Here is a picture of Laura Dern and Billy Porter.

Kaitlyn Dever’s stylist had the right idea. I like that the trim of the dress is the same as her shawl. That shawl, however, is a criminal offense in the given material. If you’re going to drape that sort of moment, make it more architectural! Or at least in a fabric that isn’t going to bunch and crease. Beanie Feldstein, meanwhile, has wowed me tonight. This is a dress that could look easily look cheap and overplayed, given the colorway and cut. Thankfully, the toned-down styling doesn’t wash Beanie out, and the entire moment is radiant in a sea of red and black. And speaking of black—let me not speak ill of this fabulous moment Kelly Marie Tran has graced us with! This is an elegant Oscars extravaganza. I’m also obsessed with the small pop of color! (Please, though, give me a necklace next time!)

Please put your hands together for Janelle fucking Monáe! As always, Monáe effortlessly straddles the line between slightly costume-y and effortlessly glamorous. The seams are perfectly placed, the hood just the right sizes and the open back an exciting take on a somewhat played out silhouette. And this color is simply radiant on her!

Costume designer Sandy Powell and Christopher Peterson look chic as hell, Sandy moreso. That signed suit is everything. (And the tie, which could be tacky as hell!) Julia Louis–Dreyfus also looks a lot like Julia Louis-Dreyfus in Vera Wang that also looks a lot like a Vera Wang dress. What else is there to say about this? And then we have Dominique Lemonnier and Alexandre Desplat. I appreciate the overcoat, not so much the skirt! (Or is it a dress with an ill-fitting top?)

I gasped when Olivia Coleman stepped onto the carpet in what looks like something suspiciously similar to Christopher Kane. The two-tone, double sided draping, the cutouts, the use of color to cinch and accentuate the waist—it’s all so fucking divine! (Brad Goreski has informed me it is Stella McCartney.)

Vlogger Claudia Sulewski and boyfriend slash brother to the more famous Billie Eilish, Finneas O’Connell look… well… there they are! Alfie Allen is in a tux with some shiny shoes, so glad he was able to have that moment for himself. And then we have Rachel Tate and someone I imagine is their child, maybe? These looks are cute or whatever!

Todd Phillips took a moment from lecturing writers and critics over what his movie is about to step out in an ill-fitting black suit. His wife, Alexandra Kravetz, is probably a very nice lady. This dress, unfortunately, has left me with nothing nice to say. Let’s move on to James Corden and his crooked tie. Another boring suit! I like that wife Julia Carey’s dress has a contrast belt, but it would have been much better in a green or a pink. And then we have Elvira Lind and Oscar Isaac, who are dressed boring but look hot as hell. Good for them!

Greta Gerwig went with Dior for tonight’s ceremony. I wish she hadn’t! It’s sad that such a stellar creative talent like Gerwig was shackled with the clothing of my enemy, Maria Grazia Chiuri. That lady already knows what I feel about her ugly little designs, so I’ll keep it brief. The fabric choice is a huge miss, the bust isn’t trapped properly, the pleating could’ve been better executed, and the train isn’t long enough. Noah Baumbach, on the other hand, is yet another man in yet another suit.

Can Geena Davis do anything wrong? (Besides her befuddling marriage, of course.) In fashion, the answer is definitely no! The fit is classic, as is Geena herself. What is there not to love? Unfortunately, I do not feel the same for Molly Sims’s dress, which looks like what would happen if Khloe Kardashian was attacked on the Victoria’s Secret runway. But! I do enjoy this dress on Sibley Scoles. If it was smooth, I’d detest it. But the crinkle fabric makes it fun and funky to look at. (And I love the architectural train!)

Penelope Cruz wows in Chanel, even if high-low dresses are incredibly 2015. You can’t see it, but there’s a fun floral embellishment on the neckline that elevates the look beyond whatever is happening in the back. I also don’t have many bad things to say about Chelsea Winstanley’s dress, which is pedestrian, but not necessarily boring! Sam Mendes and his wife Alison Balsom look fine, and Maya Rudolph looks like she’s enjoying herself. Happy for them!

I’m consistently floored by Saoirse Ronan’s red carpet choices, and tonight is no different. The architectural, two-tone bust—are you sensing a trend?—and the pattern of the skirt are so unexpected and fresh. I also like these bangs on her! (And for once, do not miss a necklace.) Then there’s Sandra Oh, who has floored me yet again. What excites me most about this are the sleeves, which take this somewhere so beyond whatever drivel the rest of these people are serving up tonight.

Margaret Qualley looks fine, as does Salma Hayek, although I wish she had did something different with her hair. Natalie Portman and Benjamin Millepied also look fine, as does Rooney Mara, who probably thought she’d wow me in this! Then we have Sunrise Coigney and Mark Ruffalo. His suit doesn’t gross me out, and I think her dress is exactly what she should have worn. Good for both of them!

Keanu Reeves and Patricia Taylor look glamorous as hell. Brie Larson, unfortunately, is completely washed out by this dress and its styling. Love the drama of a cape, though! I’d also like to take a moment to appreciate Mahershala Ali and wife Amatus Sami-Karim, who consistently wow on the red carpet. The wraparound waist on his tux is simply stellar, as is the outside elegance of this lavender dress—which not many people on the carpet could pull off tonight!

Christine Lahti could have worn something else, but this is what she and her stylist chose! So it will have to suffice. Cynthia Erivo, meanwhile, showed up in probably my favorite outfit tonight. The drama, the elegance, the ridiculous bustier, the one strap, the slit, the perfectly paired shoes. Eleganza, bitch! Camila Morrone is also here, posing without Leo DiCaprio, who is also probably here. And then there’s an incredibly dour pair, Lucy Boynton and Rami Malek. Whatever!

Kristin Wiig looks absolutely ridiculous, which is a great fucking look on her! Love the gloves, and weird ruffles. Everything about this is exactly what I want. And then there’s Gal Gadot, wearing exactly what I do not enjoy. Lace, an exposed bustier, a loofa skirt. Pass, pass, pass! And then there are enemies of humor and laughter, Colin Jost and ScarJo. I’d say something rude, but I don’t need some sweaty SNL comedians clogging up my mentions for the next few days!

Everyone, hold hands and chant with me: RENÉE ZELLWEGER! RENÉE ZELLWEGER! RENÉE ZELLWEGER! This is custom Armani, or so I’m told, and it fits her like a fucking glove. (Not Wiig’s gloves, though. She needs those to complete her outfits.) I also think its maybe the best execution of the one-shoulder moments on the carpet tonight. Timmy Chalamet, meanwhile, needs to immediately take three steps back in these clunky boots and this weird-fitting track suit. And please, dude, the next time you want to slick your hair back like this… buzz it off instead! I’m also agog at the big, dumb jewel stapled to the front of Margot Robbie’s pretty ok dress. The armbands are fun though!

Dads Robert De Niro and Al Pacino are also here.

I don’t know what to make of Krysty Wilson–Cairns’s dress, and so I’ll leave it be. Kathy Bates looks like Kathy Bates, and I’m happy for her! Meanwhile, Lea Seydoux is providing an excellent example in how to construct the worse version of Kelly Marie Tran’s fit. On the far right is Joaquin Phoenix. Well… he’s here!

What is left to say about this Charlize Theron dress that hasn’t been said for the last 10 years she’s worn it on the red carpet. She looks great every time, though!

I am on the floor over this Florence Pugh dress. It is exactly how a newcomer to the carpet should dress during their meteoric rise post-nomination. The color is extravagant and eye catching, the strappy shoes are perfectly paired, and I love the simple hairdo and pendant necklace. Please, give me more of this! Adam Driver and wife Joanne Tucker look fine, and Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson look like they’re having such a good time here that I made sure to crop out whoever they were standing with.

And alas, here is a picture of Brad Pitt. He just won an award, which prompted me to realize I’d left him out of the red carpet roundup. Well, this is what he looks like!