Gayness Is the Worst, Also Confusing and Gross, Says Expert

By Lindy West  |  March 26, 2014 | 11:00pm
Latest

In a groundbreaking new study out of the No Homo Research Institute at the University of College, M.D., gay people have been found to be 100% “still gay,” whether they’re a gay dude with long hair, a gay girl who looks like a dude, an elusive half-gay, or a gay in training. Previous research indicated that gay people might not be “still gay,” taking into consideration such confounding factors as “society” and “pants” and “but I don’t believe in the Bible,” but according to lead researcher Doctor-Professor Dooney Da Scientist Priest, “It’s still gay.”

Some startling new conclusions from the text of the report:

  • If a woman sleep with a woman, a man sleep with a man, in God’s eyes it’s still gay.
  • Despite the fact that “same sex [is] the world we’re all living in,” having “sex with same sex is still sin.”
  • Some people, having purchased what “society” is selling them, seem to think that having sex with same sex has ceased being gay and is not still sin. THOSE PEOPLE ARE INCORRECT. IT IS STILL SIN.
  • God is a person who lives in the sky and he is not gay and he has eyes. Please stop getting your gay sex fluids in God’s eyes.
  • Various types of of still-gay gay people that non-gays should watch out for: People that’s half-gay, people that’s going gay, gays that really believe that people can be born gay, gay people in politics, gays playing sports, gays getting married in the courts (certain states only), gays in the pulpit, gays leading our churches, gays singing from the pulpit, gays leading our worships, gays in our military, gays in our boy scouts, and girls in our boy scouts, which is somehow also gay.
  • Various ways in which gays can wear pants: Down, up, sagging. Keep in mind that sagging is a sign of being gay. Researchers speculate that this is because of butthole access.
  • These researchers sure do a lot of speculating about gay buttholes.
  • Places where you can find gay life: Everywhurr. This is a “sexual fact.”
  • Things God loves: The gays.
  • Things God hates: The sexual act.
  • Gay clergies and gay priests like to prey on little boys. The Catholic Church is particularly “full” of them.
  • The words “pray” and “prey” can have a double meaning if you are a genius.
  • One easy way to recognize a gay girl is if she is swagged up like dudes. Keep an eye on the heterosexuals around you. Do they seem con-FUZED? There might be a gay in the area. Cover your butthole.
  • One easy way to recognize a gay dude is if he has long hair. Check your “sex game.” Is it messed up? GAY ALERT.
  • Some gay men are “built like women now” and are “getting that sex change.”
  • It’s still gay.
  • G.A.Y.S. It’s an acronym. So.

IT LOOKS LIKE YOU’VE GOT A LOT TO ANSWER FOR, GAY PEOPLE. I’M WAITING.

 
Join the discussion...