Help! I’m Trapped in the Mormon Wife Wormhole and I Can’t Get Out

As Taylor Frankie Paul proved after the nation’s reaction to the cancellation of her season of The Bachelorette, however much or little you know about The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives is now a bellwether for the strength of your internet connection. If you’re behind, get with it, because a wormhole has opened in Utah, unleashing even more SLOMW drama by the second.

Last week, the cracks in the #MomTok facade deepened further when another SLOMW couple, Jessi Draper and Jordan Ngatikaura, announced their divorce. At first, I thought they were thirsting for Frankie Paul’s spotlight, but it turns out things are just as messy in this couple’s life.

Draper appeared on Call Her Daddy on Wednesday and spilled a lot, including accusing Ngatikaura of emotional abuse. Then, we learned on Thursday that after Jessi was seen K-I-S-S-I-N-G Chase McWhorter, the ex-husband and baby daddy of Draper’s fellow cast member, Miranda Hope, Jessi sent her apology flowers.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: Who are all these people? And there’s no way they’re ALL Mormons. Same, but I’m being spiritually held hostage in the wormhole by the Mormon Wives God (my editor) to report this news. Parsing through the layers of these Mormon Wives is exactly what I can assume Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein felt like as they broke Watergate. Only this is, like, ten times more important.

So, Miranda posted the apology flowers to her Instagram along with a note from Jessi that read, “I completely understand you being upset with me, but I wanted to send you a little something to let you know that I’m thinking about you, and I am so, so sorry.” Now, that’s cold.

Miranda also posted a TikTok: “GRWM while I process my friend group being a waiting room for my ex-husband,” with the caption, “it’s not even a betrayal at this point, it’s a tradition,” referring to McWarter previously dating Hope’s fellow cast member, Layla Taylor, before Layla started dating his brother. Frankie Paul and McWharter also met up at the end of Season 3 to make amends, but both admitted it felt like a date. Frankie Paul, McWharter, and Hope were also all implicated in the big swinging scandal, which is why the whole series was greenlit to begin with.

“I knew there had been communication between Chase and Jessi, but not to what extent,” Miranda told Entertainment Tonight. “Although I do feel disrespected by Chase, I feel slighted by my friend. Chase and I are no longer partners, and while I have a high expectation of him as a co-parent, I also hold my friends to a high standard and believe in girl code.” Why did Jessi break girl code? Well, a better question is: why does the dating pool in Salt Lake City consist only of the same three shitty dudes?

One popular fan theory points to the Great Salt Lake as to why these people, not just the Mormon Wives, but also the Real Housewives of Salt Lake City, are growing increasingly unhinged. As the lake dries up year after year, metals on the lakebed, like arsenic, are exposed to the air. So, could acute arsenic poisoning be to blame for Andy Cohen’s success? Maybe… At any rate, we must close this Mormon Wives wormhole ASAP to protect our species and the world.