How to Talk About Wine Like the Smartest Alcoholic in the Room

Welcome back to Saturday Night Social.

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Imagine you’re at a wine bar with friends. It’s happy hour, you don’t know what to get, and the menu looks like a foreign language (because it is). The bartender asks what you like, but how do you admit to her that you couldn’t tell the difference between Champagne and a $5 bottle of bubbly from Trader Joe’s?

The last thing you want is to look stupid in front of this edgy bartender, because at a natural wine bar in the West Village, your wine vocabulary is your entire social currency. But don’t panic! The elitist wine vocabulary is merely a weapon the snobs use to scare you.

Use this guide to expand your limited wine vocabulary and reclaim your power. You don’t have to be right, you just have to be confident. No one knows the difference anyway.

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The first lesson of wine is smell. Smell is 80% of taste, which means your first job is to sniff. Swirl your wine and stick your face as far as it can into the glass as humanly possible.

Notes can be hard for a newbie to identify, so instead, try describing smells no one has ever imagined. 

NO

• Plum
• Vanilla
• Earthy
• Red Currants
• Floral
• Oaky

YES

• Bus seat leather.
• Chewing gum melting on the sidewalk.
• The F train.
• Cat litter.  
• Scabs.
• Diet Coke.

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Now that you have some aromas picked out, you can take a sip and put it all together. Remember: when dealing with a wine snob, you don’t have to make sense—you just have to be specific.

NO

• It’s sweet, or it’s dry.

YES

• It straddles the backend of the palate with a combination of limestone, Diet Coke, and my grandmother’s purse candy.

or

• The hints of gooseberry and lemongrass are really fighting for tongue dominance over the F train aromas, creating a real bus leather finish.

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In 2026, we will not be referring to Chardonnays as “buttery.” Try some different dairy-related words to really wow your peers.

NO

• This Chardonnay is so buttery.

YES

• This Chardonnay has a lactic mouthfeel.

or

• The yogurtian aromas of this Chardonnay are quite angular.

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We can often fall into the “crisp” trap when describing white wine. Beware of over-identifying your wine with apples, because any layman can do that. Instead, try associating the taste with a memory, and gaze off into the distance as you are transported back in time.

NO

• This white is so crisp.

YES

This Pinot Gris reminds me of a Chenin Blanc I had a while back. I was in the Loire Valley with Grandmother. It was the final night of a grueling summer, and a salty fall breeze fell upon the orchard.

It was grandmother’s last summer too. The police never did find her.

Cue distant stare.

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Even if you don’t like the taste of the wine, don’t let them know. It’s not about enjoying wine, but rather proving how much you understand why it tastes so funky.

NO

• This box of Barefoot tastes like shit.

YES

• The conflicting flavors in this non-vintage blend are so nuanced. The residual sugars almost dance along the plastic of the bag, and the cardboard box lends an earthy, musty edge that really complements the plastic. Overall, it’s very, very nuanced.

*When in doubt, just say it’s “nuanced.”

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Wine legs refer to the streaks of wine that appear on the inside of the glass after swirling. It usually indicates alcohol and/or sugar content, but does not indicate the quality.

NO

• Look at the legs on this red!

YES

• I would never judge a woman’s sweetness by the appearance of her legs, no more than I would a red wine, sir. (Hold for applause.)

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Now it’s your turn! Crack open a bottle and get to impressin’.

And no, it’s not alcoholism, it’s just…nuanced.

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