Jamie Lynn Spears Is Now a Hit Songwriter Thanks to Horrifying Country Single 'I Got the Boy'

“I Got the Boy” isn’t merely “a rueful country ballad about a young lost love,” as Billboard wrote. It’s the twangy ramblings of a woman obsessively recounting a young lover after learning of his marriage to someone else, who seems to be convinced that her relationship with “the boy” was more special than his new wife’s relationship with “the man” – as though some hand stuff in the back of a pickup truck 12 years ago was as important to him as finding the woman he wanted to marry.

Just a look at the chorus:

I got the first kiss, she’ll get the last

She’s got the future, and I got the past

I got the class ring, she got the diamond and wedding bad

I got the boy, and she got the man.

Those lyrics could be interpreted as harmless, but the bizarre video—which features Kramer draping herself on and around couches in a house filled with hoarded artifacts from an old relationship—suggests she hasn’t quite processed the breakup just yet.

“If things were different, I had a choice, which would I choose?” she asks later. How about someone else, Kramer! Choose someone else! Jamie, please write her a song about unfriending that dude on Facebook and choosing someone else!