Jezebel Inquires: Tom Cruise Quits Scientology, Meg Ryan's Turkey Day Troubles, and Kanye West Met God in Joel Osteen's Mega-Church!

Welcome to Jezebel Inquires, a very serious tabloid about very serious things. Like the complex force field Tom Cruise has spent many decades building with his Scientology-blessed mind powers, or the many ways Angelina Jolie is currently ruining Brad Pitt’s sad, sad life.

Let’s get gossiping!

Hot Gossip:

The strangest story this week comes courtesy of John Mellencamp and Meg Ryan, whose split has allegedly thrown their Thanksgiving plans into complete chaos. Star reports that with nowhere else to spend Turkey Day, Ryan’s gonna have to suffer through a night with ex-husband Dennis Quaid and his 26-year-old girlfriend Laura Savoie. A source says: “Meg tried to keep things and was determined to have dinner as a family, but she didn’t think Dennis’ latest young woman would be seated at the dining table.” Sorry Meg! My suggestion? Find something to relate over, like the fact that you are both blonde and both slept with Dennis Quaid!

In Touch also has a story this week concerning Tom Cruise’s future with Scientology. According to sources, who claim to be close enough to the actor to pierce the force field he has slowly erected with his mind using the powers of Scientology since the ‘90s, Tom Cruise is “abandoning” his religion for daughter Suri Cruise. This is despite multiple reports that he has not seen his daughter in years, like Samantha Domingo’s comments earlier this year that Tom Cruise was “not allowed” to see Suri, and that the 2013 sighting with his daughter was a “photo op to make it seem like he was connected to he wouldn’t be criticized.” (Spokespeople for the church “vehemently” denied all of Domingo’s claims.) Regardless, Tom Cruise didn’t abandon the religion for Nicole Kidman, his two adopted children Isabella and Connor, or ex-wife Katie Holmes. Why now?

Interestingly, Star reports that instead of abandoning Scientology, Cruise has pressured Joaquin Phoenix to join in on the fun, even going so far as to offer him a role in the next Mission: Impossible movie. While scientists have yet to comment, I fear what would happen were these two method actors to come into contact with each other. The combined thespian energy might cause a complete collapse of the space-time continuum, or worse—create Oscar buzz!

I’m also told by Ok! that Candy Spelling has beef with Dean McDermott, husband of Hibachi grill burn victim Tori Spelling, over comments he made on his podcast about the many perils of monogamy. According to the magazine, “Candy has never taken to Dean but she’s done her best to tolerate him for the sake of her daughter.” The “source,” who sounds exactly like a mother-in-law might, also adds that Candy never recovered from his stint in rehab for sex addiction—the source of his infidelity against Spelling—and resents him for “bankrolling his bad habits.” Candy, is that you? I’d love to talk about your daughter,and also the really, really, really big mansion you just sold!

This week’s blind item, courtesy of In Touch, is definitely about Kelly Ripa, right? Regis, I see you!

Talk about holding a grudge! Everyone is telling this popular daytime host, who’s always smiling and chipper, to make amends with a former colleague, but she still refuses. The two faced celebrity doesn’t even care that her former co-worker is aging and desperate for reconciliation.

Horny Time:

I’d like to draw a through-line from a story I reported on earlier this year, involving a retraction Priyanka Chopra’s team demanded American Media issue after publishing a cover story on the alleged divorce proceedings between her and new hubby Nick Jonas. As the story went: Ok! insisted that multiple sources close to the couple were witness to multiple fights and threats of divorce. A few months later, they issued a retraction on the front page of the magazine stating that the Chopra-Jonas’ were very much in love, and the rumors patently false.

Anyway, Chris Pratt and Katherine Schwarzenegger are the subject of a cover story in Life & Style this week claiming that they are divorcing after “158 days” together. That’s 40 more than Chopra and Jonas made it, according to American Media! Now, like the prior allegations, what do you think is the significance of 158 days? Celebrity marriages that have lasted about as long are Renee Zellweger and Kenny Chesney (128 days) and Drew Barrymore and Tom Green (163 days.) Neither of those marriages are significant enough to fixate on, so what’s with the hyper-specific number, Life & Style? More importantly, will readers be lucky enough to see a similar retraction printed on the front page? I’m about to fall out of my chair in both excitement and anticipation!

Us Weekly also reports that Matthew Perry has “always been in love” with Courtney Cox, after Cox posted a photo with her old co-star on Instagram earlier this month. The source even claims that “Any girls he’s tried to date has looked similar to Courtney.” Seems bad, dude!

The most interesting story this week comes courtesy of Us Weekly, who has multiple sources claiming that Angelina Jolie is dead-set on ruining ex Brad Pitt’s life for allegedly shackling her stateside and refusing to let her live abroad. In a recent interview with Harper’s Bazaar, Jolie claimed “I would love to live abroad and will do so as soon as my children are 18,” because “I’m having to base where their father chooses to live.” This, sources claim, is why she has refused to budge in negotiations over their haunted French chateau. Worse, more nefarious tipsters insist she has poisoned the children against their father, and will stop at nothing to get what she wants.

Meanwhile, Brad escapes this story relatively unharmed, which has me questioning its origins. Whoever these leakers are, they’re definitely no friend of Angie’s! Us Weekly also reports that Pitt has done his best to “take the high road,” even while his ex is “out for blood.” Sources claim that the hostility in the divorce is entirely Angie’s fault, stemming from comments she made about Pitt’s temper, his lack of paying child support, or the allegations surrounding his private plane confrontation with son Maddox, who seemingly wants nothing to do with his father.

Prayers up for this truly wild family and their incredibly unrelatable problems!

Meanwhile, Ok! also reports that shapewear kingpin Kim K has been spending serious cash on therapists and “handlers” for husband Kanye West for his various public appearances. Judging from his recent sermon at Joel Osteen’s definitely racist mega-church, I’d suggest that Kim consider seeking those services elsewhere! (And at least ask for a refund!) According to sources, “The plan is to keep Kanye under constant watch without him knowing about it. The Team will report to Kim, and if there’s any warning signs, she’ll intervene.” Kim should definitely get her money back, but Kanye? I suggest you run!

What the Fuck Did She Wear?

If at all possible, I would like to opt out of the conversation over whatever the hell Kathy Hilton wore. I’m also baffled at the zipped corset top and purple pant-skirt with added bouffant that noted race-cosplayer Scarlett Johansson stepped out in to promote Marriage Story. I could probably google and find out who the designer is, but that would require me spending any more time looking at it than I already have.

Meanwhile, MJ Rodriguez absolutely floored the other girls with an incredible Dundas jumper. While the belted ruching could date the look—anybody remember Sky Tops?—there’s something about her energy that sells the look completely. I’d also like to request that all shoulders be plated and embroidered, please! As for Jennifer Aniston, I can’t begin to wrap my head around a curious napkin-like frock she was seen on a red carpet with. It isn’t terrible, but something about the large, white “X” over her breasts destroys any shred of goodwill I might have felt about the garment.

Speaking of napkins, I would really like stylists to stop sending their clients down red carpets in things outfits that look like stapled together toilet paper. Eva Longoria deserves better than that Maticevski jumpsuit! What attracts rich people to all white, piece-meal clothing remains a mystery, but the madness has to stop! It isn’t all bad though, Victoria Beckham and Olivia Palermo both looked sublime in red, Jada Pinkett Smith wore the hell out of a technicolor dream coat, and I’m obsessed with the flowered robe Christina Hendricks was seen taking out her trash in! Lily Aldridge, meanwhile, managed to make old couch textiles from Brock Collection look chic, while Emilia Clarke suffered through the horrific tulle boob cage Dolce and Gabbana forced her into. As for Sienna Miller and Olivia Wilde in Ralph Lauren: It’s fine! But, is fine really good enough?

Party Girls

Kate Hudson, Danny Fujikawa, and Jennifer Garner drank fancy drinks and wore expensive clothes at the Baby2Baby Gala. Shawn Mendes trawled around Byron Bay, Australia. Green Day, a band that still exists, won Best Rock Artist at the MTV Europe Music Awards. Billy Porter posed with some diamonds. Similarly, Ellen Degeneres posed with some ham. Katy Perry and Orlando Bloom rode camels. Neil Patrick Harris joined the circus. Selena Gomez dressed up for the Frozen 2 premiere. Rachel Zoe rocked out at the Backyard Bowl Gala with lifestyle guru Melissa Goddard. Jared Leto performed quirkiness at the LACMA Art and Film Gala. Best of all? Judith Light and Marisa Tomei embraced.

Shit Talk

• Michael Douglas, on Lori Loughlin and the college admissions scandal cohort: “It’s just egregious. I think it was as much about the self image for the parents as it was for their kids.” [In Touch]
• Hannah Brown, on being out of paper towels right now: “I’m out of paper right now.” [Life & Style]
• Reese Witherspoon, on not eating lunch: “I nap every day. I don’t take lunch. I eat lunch before lunch and then I take a nap during lunch.” [Life & Style]
• Chrissy Teigen, on spending 13 years of her life learning how to cook: “I’ve spent over 13 years of my life trying bread fried chicken in varying proportions of parmesan, pork rinds, herbs, and spices.” [Life & Style]
• Chelsea Handler, on 50 Cent being photographed with Nancy Pelosi: “Careful girl, he’s very charming.” [Us Weekly]
• Whitney Cummings, on Jennifer Aniston’s back abs: “Wait, do you have abs on your back too?” [Us Weekly]
• Mandy Moore, on feeling like an old woman: “I feel like an old woman.” [Us Weekly]
• Kristen Stewart, on sucking the fun out of things: “I genuinely think if something is supposed to be funny, I will suck the fun out of it.” [Us Weekly]
• Tarek El Moussa, on the past: “I don’t think about the past.” [Ok!]
• Timothee Chalamet, on having a bowl cut: “I’m happy to be done with it.” [Ok!]
• Bette Midler, on the Hocus Pocus sequel: “I hope they get to me before I’m a corpse.” [Ok!]