Hello again and welcome to day three of Jezebel’s March Madness: Pre-Apocalypse vs. Post-Apocalypse! We’ve got a lot to get through as we finish Round One, so, if I may provide one of the many sports analogies in my basketball hat, let’s get the ball rolling!
First off, the results from yesterday’s Pre-Apocalypse round: Over in the Nature Division, Chopped Salads (8) really knocked the hell out of Bikini Waxes (9) with 86 percent of the vote—a win for feminists everywhere, and also perhaps a loss, particularly for those of us who would prefer a nice sandwich. In an even more overwhelming victory, An Ocean With Fish In It (12) freaking handed it to New York Times Op-Ed Columnists (5) with a full 97.7 percent of the vote, a ringing defeat that will surely convince Ross Douthat to quietly retire and take up finger painting. Bees (4) showed Skiing (13) what’s good with over 90% of the vote, a rare but deserved win for the foundation of humanity’s agricultural system, while Pets (11) blasted Woke Teens on Social Media (6), because everyone likes pets, and while the teens keep proving themselves to be Good, would anyone besides this guy honestly miss social media? Anti-Depressants (3) won out over Contouring (14), I guess because painting stripes on your face IS NOT GOOD FOR THE WORLD, and, as suspected, Iced Coffee (7) really dunked on Anti-Vaxxers (10) with over 98 percent of the vote. Lastly, 70 Degree Days (2) beat Professional Haircuts (15), a tough but fair result.
In the Pre-Apocalypse Nurture Division, Postmates (9) won out over Filing Taxes (8), although a shocking 36.8 percent of you voted for taxes, which I don’t understand and would love to have explained to me. Indoor Plumbing (12) body-slammed Megachurches (5) with gosh dang 99.5% of the vote, a beautiful and worthy match-up, if you don’t mind me saying. Here, we need to take a quick moment to assess the RAZOR-THIN margins by which Amazon’s Alexa (4) appears to have beaten 24-Hour News Networks (13). Time to gas up the instant replay:
Would you get a load of that?!?! Golly, a tight squeeze! Alexa, stop laughing! To be honest, you don’t deserve it and your 1,603 voters are wrong!
Next, Online Shopping (11) walloped Bitcoin (6), though the latter may yet come to rule us all; Sephora (3) eked out a victory over Failing Public Transit (14) with 61.6 percent in a game that, not to be rude, should have been easier for Sephora; Automatic Bill Pay (10) defeated the Disappearing Middle Class (7); and Tinder (2) shoved InfoWars (15) into a locker with 93.5% of the vote. Phew!
Today, we’re looking at the Post-Apocalypse side of Round 1, so let’s get started with Post-Apocalypse Nature Division:
First, we’ve got Cannibalism (8), a last-ditch food source, facing off against Soylent (9), another last-ditch food source, unless you are a certain kind of tech bro, in which case you are probably already enjoying it right now as you listen to a podcast on transhumanism. So which will it be—low-tech, or high-tech? Murder, or Not Murder? Gross, or Gross? Time to vote:
Embed was removed for legal reasons
Next, Drinking Your Own Pee (5) faces off against Living On Mars (12). I’m going to go ahead and predict that neither would feel particularly good—but only you get to decide which is worse.
Embed was removed for legal reasons
Eating Your Pets (4) will try and take on Free Bleeding (13), a formidable if messy opponent. How will it end?
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
