Dallas, Texas, a city-sized airport whose cultural significance tends to spike only after white men are shot in it, is about to become notable for the first time since Kristen tried to kill J.R. Ewing, thanks to a new installment Bravo’s Real Housewives franchise. The Real Housewives of Dallas will take place on and around Texas’ most populous slab of concrete, and promises to answer age-old questions like, “Why the hell would anyone choose to live in Dallas?” and “Did Lee Harvey Oswald really act alone?”
Though the series was announced last year, we hadn’t been given a good look at the cast until Thursday, when Bravo posted a handful of teaser videos in which the women do ~typical Dallas things~ like sit indoors, sigh, drink cold beverages out of sweating glasses, and live in constant state of regret over every single decision that led them to Dallas.
In “What Does Bless Your Heart Mean? A Lesson in #RHOD Shade,” the ladies do a miserable job of explaining a term that Jezebel’s Kelly Faircloth defined perfectly last year, and repeatedly call themselves “southern” even though everyone knows Texas is part of the southwest.
In “The Difference Between Houston and Dallas? #RHOD Weighs In,” it’s clear that none of the women are that comfortable on camera yet (just give them time!), and they all struggle in offering significant differences between the two Texas metropolises outside of the whole humidity thing, so I’ve decided to help them.
- Houston is bad. Dallas is worse.
- Houston is ugly. Dallas is uglier.
- Houston was built as a port city, as it is located on the Gulf of Mexico. Dallas was built on a shitty river, and the only other significant water feature in the vicinity was created by damming a creek.
- Houston is integral to the US space program. Dallas is feared by aliens.
- I have had delicious Mexican food in Houston on several occasions. I have never had good Mexican food in Dallas because every time I am in Dallas I want to leave.
- Houston has a thriving art scene. Dallas has the Texas School Book Depository.
- Houston is where Beyonce was born. Dallas is where JFK was killed.
The Real Housewives of Dallas premieres April 11, and duh, I’ll be watching.
[Ed. note: Houston is bad and ugly and also it’s really great, BOB.]
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