Milan Men’s Fashion Week Had 2 Vibes: Mediterranean Guy and Berghain Guy

The temperatures in Milan this weekend reached the mid-90s, and the simmering heat seems to have inspired all the European fashion influencers attending Milan Men’s Fashion Week to go for one of two very distinct summer looks: trust fund baby on a Mediterranean yacht or trust fund baby at Berghain.

Designers including Prada, Dolce & Gabbana, Valentino, and Giorgio Armani also happened to show menswear collections that oscillated between taupe summer linens and just, All Black. And while I admit that it’s lazy to simply categorize trends into two opposite groups (edgy or feminine; neon or neutral; Marilyn or Jackie, blah, blah, blah),at this year’s Milan Men’s Fashion Week, it really was this black and, well, tan.

Now I’ve never been to Berghain, nor have I ever been on a yacht in the Mediterranean, but the fashionistas in Milan have decreed it: This summer, you’re either a Mediterranean guy or a Berghain guy. You must choose.

Let’s take a look.

Tiny sunglasses? Check. Sheer fabric? Check. Everything black except for your hair? Check! (And love!)

The influencer looks like the captain of his 98-foot yacht just told him it’s going to be another hour until anchors up, and he’s mildly annoyed to be stuck waiting on the dock in Amalfi.

The snake necklace and gold bracelet might verge on trying too hard, but the cigarette says, “I could care less what you think.”

It takes a lot of money to look this effortlessly wrinkled and laid back.

The top says business meeting but the leather shorts say I mean business, and I’m feeling inspired to wear something similar to the next baby shower I get invited to.

If you don’t own a yacht and decide to wear this out in public, it’ll just look like you’re trying to look like you own a yacht. So if you’re planning to wear this anywhere but a yacht...don’t.

The hottest accessory for this summer is simply, carrying a gorgeous bouquet of flowers. (Would a gift like this get you into Berghain? Let me know!)

I feel like his stare is judging me for not being as rich as he is.

This outfit might as well have “Ask me about my checking account” written down the pant leg.

As I said, I’ve never tried to get into Berghain, but from what I’ve heard, I’m confident in saying that this look would definitely be deemed as trying too hard.

Our favorite Bridgerton-er looks like he’s on his way to eat out—sorry I mean, slurp up—a couple of pitchers of Aperol Spritzes.

Oh hello, a French tuck! Someone clearly has themselves a little Tan France style guide.

There is not a single mistake about either of these outfits except for wearing a long, wool, plaid skirt and leather boots on a hot summer day.

Everything that the former Italian model is wearing just screams, “I am a former Italian model.”

This is NOT your mother’s Christmas Eve party.

Can someone check on this dude? Make sure he didn’t try to fly back to Ibiza?

Never forget that pants are nothing more than a social construct. (And glad to see this man does not skip leg day.)

Kick me in the face.

I have never seen any actor ever look this impossibly cool without also looking like someone who’d bully me.

I assume this is who the orcas envision they’re tipping over when they set out to tip over boats.

I love a man in a skirt. And, even more so, I love a man in neon!

Take me to (your Mediterranean) church.

This is a perfect Saturday summer night look to me. No fuss, no muss, no notes.

My eyes are screaming for just a drop of color.

I will not be bothering this man with my comments.

If I was rich, I would wear breezy white button-ups, tie printed silk scarves around my neck, and randomly Venmo $10,000 to strangers who were nice to me—if any rich people are looking for some fun, new ideas to get rid of some money.

Ok, I really love this outfit, except for the camo top! It’s summer! It’s hot! Take off that stuffy long-sleeve and let’s have some fun!

If I owned a boat and this person walked up to me, I would simply give it to them.

I would say that the layered studded belts are a little bit too “Sk8tr Boi” for me, but I wouldn’t want the grim reaper on the skirt to hear!

When your new friends invite you to their yacht at the last minute and you have no idea what you’re supposed to wear.

For when you’re going straight from Berghain to Mallorca.

Another Orca target.

Congratulations to this future baby for getting two of the coolest parents I’ve ever seen.

The two Milan Men’s Fashion Week personalities coming together as one.