Nobody Asked For Tom Brady’s ‘Good Nut,’ But We’re Getting It Anyway

I regret to inform you that we’re officially living in a nightmare of Tom Brady’s creation. He just unveiled his newest wellness business venture, a line of coconut water beverages called “Good Nut,” and I really wish I was kidding.

Unfortunately for all of us, April 1st came and went, and this is not a prank. As of Monday, Brady announced his collaboration with delivery service GoPuff to bring us his Good Nut, canned coconut water “sourced from organic Vietnamese coconuts”…allegedly.

“You hear Good Nut once, and you kind of gotta ask about it again,” Brady told People. No, I heard Tom Brady’s “Good Nut,” and now I’m creating a time machine to go back and stop white people from learning about coconuts. As of the launch, the drinks come in three flavors: Original Coconut Water, Sparkling Coconut Water, or Chocolate Coconut Water—I’m always saying that I wish my water had more chocolate in it!

According to People, Brady’s favorite Good Nut flavor is chocolate. (How original.) “It’s like chocolate milk, but it’s better,” he said. Wow. Incredible stuff.

“Coconut’s nice,” he added, “it’s almost like a creamy taste.” Please just be a normal human, I’m begging! The only reason I’m certain he’s not a humanoid robot is that a humanoid robot would have more personality at this point in our technological age.

In the promotional video, Brady says, “When you have a product this good, it doesn’t matter what it’s called, OK?” Given that he has few facial-expression options programmed into his operating system, the commercial comes off as a bit stiff. Still, it got people talking (and me wincing), but let’s see if this marketing gimmick works to get people to actually buy his product, let alone ingest it.

This is not Brady’s first venture into wellness. In 2025, Brady launched GOAT Gummies, boasting no artificial sweeteners, dyes, or flavors. But for the sake of Good Nut, I’m praying it’s artificial…I don’t need to drink organic and/or natural Good Nut. I’d chug a glass of whatever mystery goo is in Yoo-hoo before I touch this.

Let this be a warning: This is what happens when the most divorced guy you know gets too much access to venture capital. Chaos, crimes against humanity, and chocolate water.