r/hingeapp is One of the Cruelest, Harshest Places on the Internet—And For That, I Love it
These threads—in true Reddit fashion—really don’t mince words.
Photo via iStock Saturday Night Social Dating Apps
Welcome back to Saturday Night Social.
Open r/hingeapp, and you might find yourself struck—upon first look—with a syrupy collection of high-performing posts by giddy couples showing off that they’ve ticked the endgame goal for most who step into the cesspools of dating apps: a happy ending. “Met my soulmate,” some say, sharing a personal essay of the dive bar they trudged to that one fateful December, finding that it’d been the most fateful trek of their life. “I knew from the moment we met,” others say, sharing just how close they were to deleting the app when they struck gold. “Thanks, Hinge” some write, coyly—attaching a picture of them getting married to (I presume) their Hinge matches, in high-exposure lighting surrounded by gold-texted bar carts and green foliage.
Of course, if these are the glistening greats to sit at the top of the algorithm, you need only scroll down a little farther to see the Cerberus-protected hell dwellers that also use the subreddit to seek advice and words of comfort in the trying times of modern dating. “Rate my profile,” they’ll say, adding screenshots of their selfies and hinge prompts they must use to prove to potential suitors that they are cool slash funny slash hot slash cute—and not some axe murderer.
Deviously, I love looking through these threads not because I like relishing in the weariness of others (yes, I, too, understand how draining online dating can get) but because these comments—in true Reddit fashion—really don’t mince words. Also in Reddit fashion, they’re regulated, so open criticism is something that’s allowed.
Take, for example, Bobby (real names will not be used), 24, who’s asking why everyone seems to unmatch him almost as quickly as they match. He’s got good, high-quality pictures; he knows how to play chess; and he promises to order lobster for the table—as well as crack them for you, specifically. What’s wrong with him? Well, he admits in the comments that he begins every chat with a “Wyd?” Damn it, Bobby.
Alas, this is not a dating column and I am not here to also provide, ahem, unsolicited advice. Instead, I’d like to review the meanest, funniest comments to grace the subreddit—with again, no real names—… enjoy.
Being Relationship-Ready isn’t the Same as Being Camera-ready
“First photo is a terrible choice, you look miserable. Last photo is also kind of crap.”
I’d just… never put my face on the Internet again.
A Suggested Trip to the Barber
“I’d consider cutting the hair and going bald. You have a nice face but your hairline is blatantly receding which isn’t doing you any favors”
Guy Too Excited For His Own Good
“I’m sure you’re excited! But maybe stop using exclamation marks!”
Now, now. At least he didn’t drop a ‘No worries if not!’
Rage Against the Mirror Selfie
“the body language in your first photo is an immediate pass — you look pained. replace it with literally anything else.”
Unfortunately, Seeming Like Trash is a Systemic Crisis
“there is a non-committal vibe about your profile that I can’t quite put my finger on, for example talking about kids but then following it with the hahaha.”
Woof.
“The photo of your dog taking a dump basically sums up your effort on this profile.”
Unoriginality Will Not Be Rewarded
“An Eleanor Roosevelt quote, really?”
And Finally… My Favorite
“Your profile looks low value and static bro”
Purely something I’d love to have messaged men with when, that is, I was still on the apps. Clearly, I’m off for a reason.
Upon reflection, maybe this subreddit really just tickles me because it feels a whole lot like a newsroom—with failed pitches, cruel edits, and lots of varying ideas of what a “good” picture is. Fun!
And, as for those of you dwelling on Hinge this marvelous weekend, or any of the other apps, remember strong these words of advice… don’t lie about your height.
Keep scrolling for more great stories.