Today’s best comments snap, crackle, and pop.
• Best Comment Of The Day in response to The Atlantic Weeps For The Sad, Slutty Drunk Girls:
Flanagan continued, “And it’s such a shame this girl ruined her prospects by being a slut, with her PowerPoint aptitude, she would have made someone a great little secretary.”
• Best Comment Of The Day in response to The Problem With The Special K Challenge:
The challenge is to see how long you can eat Special K without wanting to vomit when you enter the cereal aisle at the grocery store.
• Best Comment Of The Day, also in response to The Problem With The Special K Challenge:
On the back of my Multigrain Cheerios box it says, in curly-swirly purple script, “More grain – less you!” Apparently the ideal woman is a sack of grain in a designer track suit.
• Best Comment Of The Day in response to Bullock’s Bangin’ Bangs:
Sandra Bullock’s “Revenge Bangs”
See also: Ryan Reynolds
• Best Comment Of The Day in response to Family Values Types Really Peeved About … Passport Forms?:
“Jesus at the Passport Agency”
Jesus: I want to apply for a passport.
Agent: Okay, fill out this form and sign it on the line. Just so you know, we only take checks.
Jesus: I’m paying by money order.
Agent: Whatever. That’s fine. Just fill out the forms.
Jesus scans over the forms
Jesus: Um, I don’t have a middle name. Also, my birth certificate is in Aramaic. Is that going to be a problem?
Agent: Does your birth certificate include a middle name?
Jesus: Uh, Looks at birth certificate it doesn’t list a last name either.
Agent: Jesus. What is it with you clowns without last names? It isn’t like you’re Cher, or Madonna, or Ice-T.
Jesus: Don’t take my name in vain.
Agent: Huh?
Jesus: Under his breath And I’m gonna die for this shit. Louder Anyway, I have a sort of unique parental situation.
Agent: Rolls his eyes Unique? Try me.
Jesus: Well, the form has one space for “Mother” and one space for “Father” … and I have two fathers.
Agent: Not even going to ask. Do you have a mother?
Jesus: Oh, yes.
Agent: Then how in the name of God do you have two fathers?
Jesus: Well, I have an earth father and … a Heavenly father.
Agent: God, you damn fundies.
Jesus: No, really. God is my father. And you’re not exactly winning points with Him.
Agent: Jesus Christ. Just put down the name of your mother and your “earth” father.
Jesus: You know, this wouldn’t be a problem if your stupid form just had spaces for “Parent 1” and “Parent 2” … all this “Father” stuff makes it confusing for me … although I think adding spaces for additional parents would be even better. “Parent 3,” “Parent 4,” “Parent 5” …
Agent: Everyone has two parents. One egg, one sperm, you know how it goes. Right? Just write down the names of people who would commonly be considered your “Mother” and “Father.” I don’t make the rules, but you still have to follow them.
Jesus: Um, yeah … I forgot to add: I can’t write.
Agent: Jesus Christ, you’re stupid.
Jesus: Well, I’m a prophet, not a rocket scientist.
Agent: Thank God for that. Do you even want a passport?
Jesus: No, not really. I can just teleport, because I am magical.
Agent: Picks up phone Security. I need an escort up here.
• Best Comment Of The Day in response to Older Women More Likely To Have Sex On First Date:
Pssshhh, whatevs. The praying mantis is unimpressed by cougars. She has sex on the first and last date. At the same time.
Amateurs.
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