Resentful Florida Teen Will Seek Senate Reelection After All, and Honestly, Why Do You Guys Even Care, Go Away

“I have only said like 1000 times I will be a private citizen in January,” failed Republican presidential candidate and agitated ninth grader Marco Rubio tweeted approximately one month ago, in response to a Washington Post story that suggested he was unsure about his political future. On Wednesday, the Washington Post reported that Rubio is getting ready to announce his Senate reelection bid. To be fair, his hormones are all over the place.

As the GOP leadership shifts its focus from trying to help a dried, crusting sea sponge win the presidential election over towards maintaining their congressional majorities, The Post reports that pressure was placed on Rubio to reverse his decision to become a “private citizen” in order to secure his swing-state seat; recent polling indicates a win for Rubio.