Rihanna Rihport: The Anti Tour Is a Gift From God, Who Happens to Be Rihanna

By Julianne Escobedo Shepherd | April 4, 2016 | 9:30pm

Entertainment

Rihanna is the most important millennial of our time. The Rihanna Rihport is where we chronicle the magnitude of her lived existence.

DATELINE: RIHANNA, April 2—Saturday’s night forecast in Newark, New Jersey, was bleak for early spring: lows in the mid-40s, high gusts of wind, a strong likelihood of precipitation with a possibility of snow and a ONE HUNDRED PERCENT CHANCE OF RIHANNA.

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YES: The sweet lamb of Zeus and Caesar bestowed her gracefulness upon the Prudential Center arena for the first time, there to cleanse and bless the “home of the Devils” with her holy voice and also teach all of Jersey how to get our MONEY! Because we all were united in that we wanted to get paid!! She actually sang the beginning of “Bitch Better Have My Money” a cappella and it sounded like gospel and the bleating of angels from on high being like, “Hey people, cut these disciples a CHECK!” But that was not all we got from our Queen, Robyn Rihanna Fenty, who changed outfits something like seven times. (SEVEN, get it? #777 #lucky #holynumberofGod)

FIRST of all, Rihzus came out in a white robe with a hood and she looked like a boxer and she sang “STAY” before this crazy lucite people-mover thing came down from the ceiling to pick her up so she could do “Woo” and “Sex With Me” (the best song off ANTI, the best album in the WORLD!) LOOK AT HER STOMPING!!!! BEING FIERCE BECAUSE SHE IS RIHANNA!:

Can you believe how cool? Boy, the manufacturers of United States airports should really take a queue from the people who made these movers because this one is aerial, faster, cooler and more FUN than the stupid ones we have now.

After Rihzus FLEW across the stage, she did the “BBHMM” a cappella and there was CHOREOGRAPHY and it was badd as hell and then the lights switched off so Riri could change her clothes and do other things like probably meditate because she is a HOLY BEING! She came back to the stage which, by the way, was all white until it had a blow-up rainbow sculpture and it was BASICALLY like being in the New Museum which DUH, Rihanna is cultured. Sheesh, sheeple. She did “Umbrella” and all of Jersey was losing our minds and then some bone-breakers came out and she put on a robe like the Sith and did a Vybz Kartel-ified version of “Man Down”! I DIEEEED! Here she is doing it in Jacksonville, Florida, the MAGIC KINGDOM!!!!

INTERMISSION: Look at this devoted member of the #NAVY who got the ANTI cover shaved into her hair! SHOUT OUT @SSANDRA_MERCEDES!

Okay, so like then? She had some voguers come out with the bone breakers and it was just like FKA twigs’s “Congregata,” only it was Rihanna doing “We Found Love” and “How Deep Is Your Love” and everyone was BLINDED by the beauty of it all because Riri was shimmering around and being a general GODDESS!

Because she is generous, she stopped the show to sign a guy’s arm next to a tattoo he had of another autograph—“Only because I’m next to Grace Jones, bitch!”—and then she thanked every member of her band and also “The guys on the rooftop waitin’ to take a shit cause they’re lighting this shit” and then she said “Thank you for being so fucking incredible, kiddies block your ears,” because RIHANNA LUH DA KIDS! Have you ever been in such a beautiful presence and source of light and glory? Like, in your whole life? I mean, I felt like I was levitating! I thought I was going to ASCEND.

Okay and then at the end, when she threw this foam party where all of these fun suds were dripping from the ceiling and she was dressed in a nice ochre suit—which happens to be the same color of the coffee mug I’m using right now? And it’s not even mine, it’s my office’s? So the fact that I’m writing this while drinking this coffee is kind of a SIGN?!—Rihzus then did the slower songs where she was sa-a-a-a-a-a-ng-innn’ and we were dy-y-y-y-y-yin’.

AHHHHHH! SHE ENDED WITH “KISS IT BETTER” which you probably know, and didn’t do an encore and then everyone went home and for hours I felt like I was contact high from the natural essence of her voice and presence!

SHE IS CONTAGIOUS LIKE CUPID’S ARROW! SHE IS OUR QUEEN, OUR DESTINY, OUR RIHZUS AND SHE WILL REIGN UNTIL THE END OF THIS MORTAL COIL!

WE LIFT OUR HEARTS UNTO THEE! SLAYYY!!!

This has been the Rihanna Rihport.

Image via Splash News