Sexy Douchebag Ryan Lochte Doesn't Know What a Douchebag Is

By Tracie Egan Morrissey  |  April 22, 2013 | 3:25pm
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On last night’s premiere of What Would Ryan Lochte Do? we learned more about the Olympic swimmer in 30 minutes than he’s seemingly learned in all of his 28 years—which is to say: not much. However, we did discover that he doesn’t know what a douchebag is, even though he’s read (or is at least aware of) the Jezebel post listing the reasons why he is one. In fact, he discussed that very list on his show.

His E! series seems to be completely based on those exact reasons we enumerated—from his fashion to his “Jeahs” and all the other bro-y-ness in between—with the same sort of celebratory/mocking tone. Basically, he owes his reality TV career to us. You’re welcome!

In the first episode we watch him curl up on the couch to watch his favorite movie (What Women Want), hang with his “Lochterage” (his group of friends “dedicated to turning it up at all times”), and discuss, at length, his desire to be a sneaker designer (a somewhat reasonable aspiration for a celebrated athlete, made less reasonable by the fact that he competes in one of the few sports that requires bare feet).

So what would Ryan Lochte do? Well, it’s more like what wouldn’t he do, and the answer is: crack open a dictionary. He admits that he doesn’t know what a douchbag is, and initially you think that maybe he just doesn’t fully understand the concept of it as a label for a certain kind of person. But then he says that he says that he literally does not know what the term “douchebag” means and asks (rhetorically?), “Like what is it? What’s the definition of it?”

We don’t ever find out if he ever finds out.

But one of the more amazing qualities about Lochte is that he’s OK with not knowing. Maybe it makes him stupid, but it also makes him immune to other people’s perceptions of him, which will come in handy as a reality television star.

 
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