The Epstein Files Are Definitely Not in Huntsville, Alabama!

During Trump's needless address that could have been a Truth Social post, he announced Space Command would be moving, and everyone said "Huntsville, Alabama" about 349,000 times.

By Lauren Tousignant | September 2, 2025 | 4:33pm

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The Epstein Files Are Definitely Not in Huntsville, Alabama!

Despite the excitement of the weekend, Trump is very much alive, which we know because he gave an hour-long press conference on Tuesday afternoon, which began with his announcement that he’s moving Space Command from Colorado to Huntsville, Alabama and ended with him rambling about how the U.S. is the hottest and the best and that we’d be a third world country right now if it weren’t for tariffs.

Trump wasn’t seen in public between Tuesday and Saturday, leading the internet to speculate that maybe *it* had finally happened. He was photographed going golfing on Saturday afternoon, but speculation rose again when the White House announced Trump would give an address from the Oval Office at 2 p.m. on Tuesday. Spoiler! It could have all been a Truth Social post.

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In the “address,” which was actually just a press conference, and which started an hour late, Trump triumphantly declared he’d be moving the Space Command headquarters. It’s a weird announcement to make all this fuss about, but whatever. In 2018, during his first term, Trump reinstated Space Command and said he’d bring it to Alabama. But when Biden took office, he chose to keep the headquarters in Colorado, on advice from the head of Space Command at the time, Army Gen. James Dickinson, who said the timeline for construction in Alabama could impact military readiness—even though the Air Force said they preferred the headquarters be in Alabama.

“The problem I have with Colorado, one of the big problems, they do mail-in voting, they went to all mail-in voting, so they have automatically crooked elections,” Trump said of his decision. “We can’t have that when a state is for mail-in voting, that means they want dishonest elections, because that’s what that means. So that played a big factor also.” OK!

Surrounding Trump during the announcement/address/proof-of-life press conference were Republican lawmakers from Alabama, including Sen. Katie Britt and Sen. Tommy Tuberville. Everyone got a moment to speak, in which they praised their Almighty Leader and declared that Biden made this all political. In total, I think “Huntsville, Alabama” was repeated about 349,000 times. So we all know where the Epstein Files definitely aren’t!

Trump then took a few questions from reporters, in which he railed against Illinois Governor JB Pritzker and Maryland Governor Wes Moore, used a question about school shootings to repeat how there’s noone who knows more about construction than he does, said there was going to be a “big announcement” coming in two weeks in response to a question about religious liberty in schools, maintained that Democrats all cheat, that he “settled seven wars” this year, and, of course, blamed the “so fake” media for questioning his health. No questions or answers about the Epstein files or where they might be, though.

He did address the curious video from over the weekend of someone throwing shit out of a White House window, saying the windows can’t be opened, and that even if someone wanted to, they’re “600 pounds.” He added that the video is probably AI-generated, and also joked that “if something bad really happens, maybe I’ll just blame AI.” Which is good to know!

Meanwhile, the White House press office confirmed the video was real, according to the New York Times, and stated that the person in the clip was a “contractor who was doing regular maintenance.”

And that was all she wrote—or all he rambled about for an hour. And, as has now become a mainstay of his wardrobe, he had a giant glob of concealer on his right hand.

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