The Fifty Shades of Grey Trailer Is Here in All Its BDSM-Lite Glory

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What a beautiful time to be alive: the Fifty Shades of Grey trailer has premiered on the Today show, and it appears this film will be documenting the emotional journey of a woman with a low ponytail and an ill-fitting cardigan (VISUAL REPRESENTATIONS OF SELF-DOUBT) who finds herself charmed by an unblinking mouth-breather in a fancy suit and then changes her hairstyle because her inner goddess demands it.

This movie will feature: close-ups of hands, the mean guy and whatever-her-name-is making both anxious and aroused facial expressions, and a stripped-down version of “Crazy in Love,” just as the prophecy suggested. If all the divine portents line up, it appears that these three elements will culminate in a finger-banging scene.

HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY!!!!!! (That is when the movie comes out, which may result in the Rowdy Singles Riots of 2015. God help us all.) [Today]


North West took her first steps yesterday, probably because she was fuckin’ sick of people talking about the Royal Baby all the time. Yay, North! (And this concludes our Famous Baby Motor Skills Update.) [E!]


Upholding the platonic ideal of “bro,” as is their duty on this planet, Robert Pattinson and Zac Efron enjoyed a boys’ night out which was reportedly “drama-free.” Here, an onlooker’s fascinating account: “Rob and Zac both looked good and happy. Rob showed Zac something on his cell phone and they both started laughing. They were in really good moods.” Wow. What a night. [E!]