Guess what’s got my large intestine in a septic knot today, MANmerica? The extreme pussification and dude-slicing feminism that has taken Mad Max: Fury Road—a movie that should have been about two greased up male torsos in a UFC fight on the back of on a loud motorcycle—into a crotch-kicking misandrist fantasy starring some dyke named Furiosa who doesn’t even show us her tits. THE BETAFICATION OF AMERICA CONTINUES. MAD MAX HAS BEEN RUINED.
Much like a first date with my ex-wife Diane, the Mad Max: Fury Road trailer tricked me into believing that it would be one thing, when in fact it was something else entirely. Diane indicated to me that she would laugh at most of my jokes (Family Guy quotes repurposed for everyday situations. Giggidy!) and tell me that my dick was big, like a porn dick. MMFR led me to believe that the fire tornado in the trailer and the man’s name in the title meant that I wouldn’t have to listen to a woman talk. Wrong, and wrong. Charlize Theron talks SIGNIFICANTLY more than Tom Hardy. She’s in the middle of the poster. She fights. None of the hot sex slaves take their shirts off. THIS MOVIE IS MORE FEMINAZI THAN THE SHE-STAFFEL.
CHANGE MY DIAPER! FOR I HAVE SOILED MYSELF!
Here are more egregious omissions in this bloody tampon of she-nima:
- beefy, leather-wearing guys who are mortal enemies don’t get so close to each other that they almost kiss
- there is no follow-up scene to the almost-kissing scene where the main character looks at gratuitous female nudity to remind the viewer (me) that this movie isn’t about some gay shit; it’s about DUDES
- the fire tornado doesn’t burn my ex-wife Diane to death while her faggot boyfriend cries
- Tom Hardy doesn’t make soulful eye contact with the camera as he takes a long, lusty, and most importantly MAN ONLY shower
- nobody’s dick is a literal gun
I THINK ABOUT MEL GIBSON’S TORTURED BLANK 1979 EYES WHEN I HUMP MY ARMCHAIR! MAKE ME A SANDWICH!
Anybody who has seen the original three Mad Max movies knows that women exist for one of four man-created reasons: to be raped so Mel Gibson can get mad, to be sexual partners with a guy trying to kill Mel Gibson, to be murdered so Mel Gibson can get mad, and to force Mel Gibson to fight in the Thunderdome. They have character names like “Nurse,” “Nightrider’s Girl,” “The Captain’s Girl,” and “Victim.” ALL OTHER REASONS ARE A PERSONAL AFFRONT TO ME AND THE SACRED LEGACY OF MAD MAX, WHOSE HAUNTED EMOTIONAL EMPTINESS I RELATE TO ON A VERY DEEP LEVEL DESPITE THE FACT THAT MAD MAX WATCHED HIS FAMILY DIE IN A HOPELESS FUTURE HELLSCAPE AND THE WORST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ME WAS THAT SOME GIRLS SAID THEY DIDN’T WANT TO BUMP UGLIES BACK WHEN I WAS A TEEN.
GEORGE MILLER BASICALLY KILLED MY DOG IN FRONT OF ME.