The Who’s Who of Trump’s Crypto Loser Bash

On Saturday, the loser-ist losers will gather at Mar-a-Lago for the ultimate lame dweeby virgin Trump jerk-off competition, starring the man, the myth, and loser himself as the keynote speaker. It’s Coachella for supervillains! 

And just like Coachella, a ticket to Trump’s crypto gala this weekend will set you back a lifetime, because to be invited, you must be among the top 297 purchasers of the president’s memecoin, $Trump. The organizers of the event, Fight Fight Fight LLC, a company linked to Trump and business partner Bill Zanker, championed the gala as “THE MOST EXCLUSIVE CRYPTO & BUSINESS CONFERENCE IN THE WORLD.” As of Thursday, the cost to be among the top 297 investors in Trump’s memecoin sits at $512,000, and the top 29 investors will secure VIP status and an exclusive luncheon with the president (the line currently stands at $59 million). And for some stinking reason, people are thinking this all sounds corrupt.

“Meet and Learn from 18 of the World’s Most Influential SUPERSTARS,” the website advertises. “You’ll enjoy a once-in-a-lifetime experience. This event will be a memory you will talk about forever!” Before you rush to your wallet, I’m thinking this event is going to be pretty lame.

Despite Trump being advertised as the keynote speaker and promising the VIP luncheon, the website includes a disclaimer that he may not attend. If he does cancel, VIPs will receive a limited-edition Trump NFT. Neat! That totally makes up for the 59 mil they sank into your pockets! Attendees will also receive a gift basket of a Trump fragrance, a commemorative poster, a commemorative trading card, and a watch. 

The most notable attendee appears to be Mike Tyson, who doesn’t really have anything to do with AI, but is just being a pal. Other “global giants” headlining the events include CEOs of the crypto-blockchain-stablecoin-whateverthefuck variety, like Paolo Ardoino of Tether, Nikil Viswanathan of Alchemy, and Anthony Pompliano of the Pomp Podcast—which I’ll save you the Google, covers “the future of business, finance, and technology.” Snooze.

More include hedge fund managers, blah blah blah, Tim Draper of VC fame, and Cathie Wood, a “thematic portfolio manager for disruptive innovation, mom, economist, and women’s advocate,” per her Twitter bio. Crypto girl bosses are the flavor!

Motivational speaker Tony Robbins will also make an appearance, and the man has written a bajillion self-help books, so the question remains: can he motivate these losers to make friends they don’t have to pay to play with?

Earlier this month, senators Elizabeth Warren, Adam Schiff, and Richard Blumenthal requested documents from Fight Fight Fight LLC, citing that the organizers “are promoting a conference by dangling access to President Trump to potential attendees (and in doing so, are encouraging purchases of his meme coin that will generate transaction fees for the President and his family) on a day he may not actually be able to attend.”

“We have previously raised concerns with President Trump’s willingness to use the presidency for personal profit – including a similar dinner President Trump promoted for meme coin holders last year.” Last year, the Trumps held a private dinner for donors in Virginia, and reportedly raised $150 million in investments in his coin by selling seats. But that was a whole year ago; we had no idea how much worse things would get.

To recap, several horrifying things were learned today—the first being that this event is happening. Another being that both Dunkin’ Donuts and the president of the United States have a rewards program. And ultimately, there are far more podcasts about crypto than we could ever have imagined. 

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