Through the miracles of sauvignon blanc and Lime-A-Ritas, we managed to survive an especially stupid summer. With only 8 million days left until Election Day, please allow these sweet woke baes to soothe your throbbing headache with their solid faces and even more solid morals.
Jax Taylor
Bae Factor
The truth of Jax’s hotness has caused quite the commotion here at Jezebel over the years. I’ll say this: I’m a fan of impartial bae determination. The only real reason Jax wouldn’t qualify as a bae is because of what we’ve seen on Vanderpump Rules. I truly believe that if you rolled on up to SUR for happy hour and he was behind the bar shaking you up some pink cocktail, you’d be into it.
Woke Factor: This is what we call “meeting the bare minimum,” but in this instance, I think it’s appropriate and generous for a number of reasons. During a drunken conversation, Jax learns about the pink tax and is aghast that birth control and tampons aren’t free. (Us too, buddy!) If there’s anyone who should be in favor of free birth control it really is this dude, and I’m glad he’s recognized that. We all arrive at our wokeness in different ways. For Jax, it was whiskey and a deep fear of fatherhood.
Greg Popovich
Bae Factor
You ARE gonna like bae when bae gets mad.
Woke Factor: Excuse the on-the-nose reference but Papa Pop went hard in the paint. Slam dunk! Swish! Free throws! Answering questions about August Woke Bae Colin Kaepernick’s protest, the San Antonio Spurs coach threw down words like “disgusting” because Pop is woke as hell and despite the fact that he coaches a game, he is not playing with you!
There was a Martin Luther King Jr. reference—and he called him “Dr. King” to boot. He brought up the backwards-ass bathroom law in South Carolina, our nation’s gun epidemic and Mike Brown, among many other issues. Poppy is Juan Valdez woke.
Danell Lyva
Bae Factor
Gymnastics bae. Gymnastics bae. Gymnastics bae. Gymnastics bae. Gymnastics bae. Gymnastics bae. Gymnastics bae. Gymnastics bae. Gymnastics bae. Gymnastics bae. Gymnastics bae. Gymnastics bae. Gymnastics bae.
Know what I’m saying?
Woke Factor: Danell identifies his mother and sister as major factors in his feminist journey, but I also like to think it had something to do with watching his female teammates straight fuck shit up at the Olympics while the men did…fine.
The Dolan Twins
Bae Factor
I won’t pretend to know what the kids are into these days, but if this is what the kids are into, go for it, kids!
Woke Factor: Big props to these two young man—who Google tells me are “YouTube” hotties—for saying the following list of words with completely straight, blue steel faces: “menstruation,” “periods,” “it means you’re healthy,” “heating pad,” “ovaries,” “cramps,” “leaking,” “vagina.”
If that’s not woke, then apparently I don’t know shit about being woke.
Fumbles In Wokeness or Baemanship
Brody Jenner
As he struggles to find himself in a world where Spencer Pratt is the most charismatic alumni of The Hills, Brody Jenner acted like the exact privileged douchebag/wannabe DJ/fratboy who doesn’t tell women he has HPV before he hooks up with them that we all assumed he was.
Some idiot friend of his wrote an Instagram post that basically blamed Keith Scott for his own murder by the police and wondered: “Why is everything about race?” Brody then commented: “AMEN, T!” expressing his agreement with his stupid friend’s stupid, stupid words. Later, Brody posted a picture of himself with a dog and captioned it: “All lives matter.”
So, objectively, fuck Brody Jenner.
He has since backtracked and apologized for being a slimy little shit, claiming that he reflected on his “careless and misguided” remarks and read a Vanity Fair editorial.
“I am a firm supporter of the African American community and I am grateful that my mistake allowed me the opportunity to increase my own awareness of Black Lives Matter, and hope that going forward we can continue this conversation in a positive and peaceful way.”
You hear that, black people, a “firm supporter.” How did we get so lucky?
I mean, whatever dude. I doubt anyone was looking to Brody Jenner to be an ally, so the best thing he can do now is just keep his mouth shut. The rest of Brody’s woke future is still unwritten, and I’d like to keep it that way.