This Week in Tabloids: Cunnilingus Enthusiast Justin Bieber Gives Head for a Full Hour

By Dodai Stewart | January 23, 2013 | 8:05pm

Celebrities

Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which we swap your regular news with gossip crystals from the tabloids: In Touch, Us, Ok!, Life & Style, and Star. This week, Angelina Jolie is knocked up with baby number seven; Anne Hathaway is working on a “killer” Oscar speech; and Justin Bieber got fucked up on weed and purple drank and went down on a random nursing student and ate on and on til the break of dawn.

Ok!
“Inside Kim’s Baby Shower!”
Don’t be fooled by the images on the cover and inside the magazine, in which Kim is looking joyous at some kind of event: The baby shower has not yet happened. It should take place this spring, and Kim has allegedly already chosen the colors: Silver, white, cream and pale yellow. Zzzz. Also inside: Taylor Swift is having a “revenge romance” with 21-year-old musician Ed Sheeran, who sings that sad Top 40 song about an agoraphobic crack whore and weather-sensitive seraphim. They’ve been texting a lot. Megan Fox is having her turrible Marilyn Monroe tattoo removed and it sounds turrrrible: “When the laser hits the ink on your skin it kind of explodes and looks like little kernels of popcorn popping up. It’s traumatic and incredibly painful,” she says. In OH HELL NO news, Daniel Craig thinks Robert Pattinson would be a “brilliant” James Bond.” Finally, in case you’re keeping count, Catelynn from Teen Mom has lost 30 lbs and has 12 more to go before her wedding.
Grade: F (powdered milk)

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Life & Style
“Worst Week Of My Life”
Khloe Kardashian is a wreck because of “the spread of reports claiming that Robert Kardashian wasn’t actually her father.” Guess who spread those reports? Life & Style and sister publication In Touch. Blerg. Also inside: Britney wants to do a residency in Las Vegas, but a source warns, “She’ll be tempted by all of her vices,” and an “insider” who could also be called an underminer says: “I can definitely see her cracking in Vegas.” Thanks for the vote of confidence! Here’s a LOL: A piece about Naomi Campbell titled “Nobody Knows The Real Me” is accompanied by a photograph in which Naomi has been Photoshopped to hell and back and looks unrecognizable. (Fig. 1) Last, but not least, Jessica Simpson is “95% sure” her unborn fetus will be a boy, and there’ a 50% chance the mag is getting that gossip correct.
Grade: D- (instant coffee)

In Touch
“Exposed!”
Apparently the editors bought — sorry, “obtained exclusively” — some of Robert Kardashian’s handwritten journals from 1989 and 1990. The seller slash giver? Ellen Kardashian, his widow. Klassy! The mag prints private never-meant-to-be-read sentences from beyond the grave like: “She left kids & screwed all nite. Great state of caring.” And “I was home alone w/ 4 kids.” The passages, written at the end of Robert’s marriage to Kris Jenner, are all about how Kris is having an affair with a soccer player named Todd Waterman and how Kris is being a bad mom and kicking and beating Kim and telling her she was going to kill her and whatnot. All in all, disgusting story using the words of a man not here to defend himself. Moving on! Tom Cruise thinks he has paranormal powers and can move an ashtray with his mind. Coco wants a baby with Ice-T — specifically a girl. “We already have the name — Chanel. I want her to be a lawyer,” Coco says. And: “I want a little doll of my own! I could teach her to walk in heels and do her hair.” Though the two have had some issues lately, Ice says: “We don’t need no therapy. My lady and I can work things out.” Surely. Let’s see, what else? Kim Richards got a nose job. (Fig. 2) Marissa Tomei is engaged to Tom Hardy doppelgänger Logan Marshall-Green, aka Trey from The OC. Taylor Swift, Kate Bosworth, Jennifer Connolly, Anne Hathaway, Rachel Zoe, Victoria Beckham and Allison Williams are “stressed and skinny.” (Fig. 3) Never forget the tabloids want you fat so you can be a Worst Beach Body™ or thin so you can be Wasting Away™. Finally: Jessica Simpson’s sweater is on award tour with muhammad my man, going each and every place with the mic in its hand. (Fig. 4)
Grade: C (instant split pea soup)

Us
“Brandi Tried To Destroy My Family”
Two blonde ladies I know very little about are feuding because one blonde lady told people the other blonde lady’s secret: That she used a surrogate to have twins. Brainsplosion. Also inside: Halle Berry wants to marry model-puncher Olivier Martinez in Paris, and they were spotted checking out old cathedrals. Taylor Swift is “humiliated” by the jokes about her love life, feels like a loser, and doesn’t have many friends any more. Sounds like songwriting material! Kelly Osbourne is “secretly engaged” to Matthew Mosshart, who works at a vegan bakery. If you put your thumb over his face and just look at the hair he looks a little like Ozzy. But the crazy kids are in love: He couldn’t afford a ring, so he proposed without one, and she said yes, and they make low-calorie meals together, and he is by all accounts a good-hearted guy, so Mazel Tov.
Grade: C- (powdered mashed potatoes)

Star
“I’m Pregnant Again!”
There are no quotes from named sources in this story, but the rumor is that Angelina is expecting a baby and thinks it will be a boy. She’s cleared her schedule for the next year — minimal workload — so she can rest up and hide out. She’s already had morning sickness, so she hasn’t been seen in public, but just because she’s pregnant doesn’t mean they won’t adopt again, an insider swears. Brad and Angie still want a brown kid so Zahara has a sibling that looks like her. Next: Tiger Woods is dating skiier Lindsey Vonn, and a source says: “It took a while for Lindsey to trust him because of his past.” Ahem. Anne Hathaway is so sure she’s going to win an Oscar that she’s working with a team of writers to compose a “killer” acceptance speech. That should go well! Gwyneth Paltrow wants to be on Downton Abbey, and what Gwynnie wants, Gwynnie gets: Julian Fellowes is creating a cameo for her. GAH. Britney’s managers have given Jason Trawick $5 million so that he won’t write a tell-all about his time with BritBrit. Lena Dunham’s boyfriend dated Scarlett Johansson in high school and he won’t shut up about it, which pisses Lena off. And in truly scandalous news: Justin Bieber went on a “drug and sex romp” behind Selena’s back. Apparently The Beebs hooked up with a chick named Mimi. Mimi’s friend tells the mag that Justin and Lil Twist and Mimi all went to buy weed, then picked up McDonald’s, and went back to Justin’s hotel room. There, they got high, drank sizzurp, and one thing lead to another: Justin took off Mimi’s clothes and “proceeded to perform oral sex on her for almost an hour.” Well DAMN. Justin “ended things abruptly after the oral sex” and Mimi decided she should go; at the time she didn’t realize Beeb hadn’t broken up with Selena yet, whoops. Still. An hour of playing lickety split you say? Hmm. Wow. Although if Mimi was stoned and on sizzurp maybe it was actually like 10 minutes? Last, and most entertaining: “Faces Of The Future,” in which Kim Kardashian eventually turns into Cher. (Fig. 5)
Grade: B+ (instant hot chocolate)

Addendum

Fig. 1, from Life & Style

Fig. 2, from In Touch

Fig. 3, from In Touch

Fig. 4, from In Touch

Fig. 5, from Star