Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which we “read” the celebrity weeklies so you don’t “have” to. Thank Zeus Hilary Duff got married, or all we’d have to talk about would be Kardashian asses and Tom Cruise’s SNEELS.
In Touch
“Sisters At War!”
Everything you “need” to know is in the short story on the cover: Kim’s known for her slammin’ body, but now Kourtney has lost her “baby weight” and blah blah blah. This hateful concoction of an “article” includes a sister to sister butt comparison (see image 7). And in a sidebar, we learn that Lamar really wants to have a baby with Khloe, but she’s never been this skinny in her life, and she’s afraid of losing her figure. Moving on: LeAnn Rimes is “desperate” to have a baby with Eddie Cibrian, because she thinks it will bring them so much closer. The cover blares, “Angelina’s Sex Scandal,” but inside the “scandal” is that Angie and Brad barely ever have sex anymore. They have six kids, so surprise, surprise. Next: So you know how Charlie Sheen got a plea deal — rehab at Promises counted as time served? An insider claims that Charlie manipulated the Promises rehab program. He would alternate, spending one night at Promises and one night at home. Charlie would go out and party with escorts, then sleep at Promises! “They Stopped Loving Their Curves” is a four-page story; for each female celebrity, the magazine prints an old quote in which they embraced their bodies, and new quote allegedly about how things are better now. Although, with Christina Hendricks, her figure in the “before” and “after” images looks the same, and her quote is not about losing weight (see image 8). By the way, Javier Bardem has “packed on” a lot of weight and “pigged out” when he and Penelope Cruz were in Hawaii, where she was filming Pirates Of The Caribbean. Tatum O’Neal has been spotted wearing Farrah Fawcett’s heavy leather jacket and boots around town, even when it’s hot. Lastly: Michaele Salahi says: “I’m not anorexic.” And: “I’m a skinny girl, I always was.” For breakfast she has hot chocolate, cereal and fruit; then she eats an early dinner of salad with grilled chicken. Oh, and there’s this: “I would love to do a whole lot of Botox, and maybe get collagen, too. I also think it would be great to have boobs. I am a B cup, so I’d get a C. I’m all for anything you can do to make yourself look and feel better.” She might be getting some stuff done in the next six months. You’ve been warned.
Grade: F (paparazzi at your deathbed)
Us
“Inside Their Struggle: Teen Mom.”
Curious about what’s up with Farrah, Maci, Amber and Catelynn? Wanna see adorable pictures of their kids? This is the mag for you. Farrah says: “I have a great relationship with my family now,” which is notable because her mom was arrested for assaulting her in January. Farrah also says: “After I get my Associate’s degree in November, I plan on moving to a bigger city, like Chicago, or San Jose, California, and opening up my own Italian or Asian fusion restaurant.” A noble goal! A teenage single mom can totally move to a new city and open an Asian restaurant, right? As for Amber, she says: “Some people can handle the stress of working a 9 to 5 job and being a mother, but I’m not one of them.” And: “I always wanted to be a cosmetologist, but now I’m leaning towards being a mixed martial arts fighter.” By the way, Amber has lost 65 lbs! (see image 9). Maci is no longer with her asshole boyfriend Ryan; and Catelynn and Tyler are still together, but she says: “No wedding yet, not until finish college.” Moving right along: Here is a picture of strict Catholic Mel Gibson and his son, who is wearing a shirt which reads, “Evolution” (see image 10). Jennifer Aniston filmed a striptease scene for Horrible Bosses and people were so interested in seeing her naked, they climbed on the roof of the building she was filming in. “Why Paris Hates Kim” can be summed up thusly: “It’s 100% jealousy.” Robert Pattinson was prepping for his flight to visit Kristen Stewart on the set of On The Road, and, a source says: “He was getting excited… His pals were like, don’t get too excited, because the sex will be too quick.” KStew and RPatz are “madly in love” and “it’s like you hang up first, no, you hang up first level of baby talk,” according to an insider. Finally, the guy who plays Jesus on True Blood says his wife doesn’t mind when he kisses another man on the show: “She thinks it’s sexy.”
Grade: D- (paparazzi watching you work)
Life & Style
“Jesse Trashes Sandra.”
Jesse James and Kat Von D had dinner earlier this week, and Kat stresses the two are “just friends.” But the magazine attempts to spin this encounter into a smack in the face for Sandra Bullock. The copy reads: “He had the audacity to share an intimate meal and hold hands with trashy LA Ink star Kat Von D.” Also, Jesse told a friend that he doesn’t want to be alone anymore, and that he was alone with Sandra, because she was filming all the time. Hence the headline “Jesse Attacks Sandra.” Anyways, the magazine gives us some advice to take away: “If you make the effort, love lasts.” Next: Ellen Pompeo’s baby Stella rocks sunglasses like what. (see image 11.) Jennifer Lopez is searching for a personal assistant, and her help wanted ad says that the assistant is required to be around 24/7 — and that means even when J.Lo is naked! Also: “You have to change diapers and cook if the butler is away.” And: “You have to know when J. Lo has her snack time. She won’t say she’s hungry, you’re just expected to have food waiting.” Plus: “you can’t have a personal life — no baggage, significant others or pets allowed. The job is 6 days a week, at least 12 hours a day, and you might not get your day off for weeks!” The good news? It pays $55,000 – $65,000. Ed Westwick and Jessica Szohr shacked up at the Hard Rock Hotel in Chicago during Lollapalooza, and drank everything in the mini-bar. Robert Pattinson and Krisen Stewart are renting a two-story lakeside guest house nestled in “the woods” in L.A. In Bachelorette news, Roberto and Ali are having problems already! He can’t wait to just go back to his normal life, but Ali’s not that interested in that — she “loves the attention.” Only one of the 20 Bachelor/Bachelorette couples has survived! And since Ali loves the spotlight — she tried out for American Idol and The Real World before The Bachelorette happened — her relationship is DOOMED. Next, a shocking exposé about how Tom Cruise makes himself look taller. Hint: SNEELS. (see image 12). Finally, Bethenny has a “better body after baby.” The cover says “How I lost 33 lbs,” and inside, you learn that she did so BY GIVING BIRTH. She was 151 lbs. when she was 7 months pregnant, and now she’s 118 lbs. It is a miracle.
Grade: D- (paparazzi on your date)