This Week In Tabloids: John Mayer's Jealous Of Jen's New Love, Drowns His Sorrows In Hot Pockets

By Margaret Hartmann | August 17, 2011 | 7:28pm

Celebrities

Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which we in which search for juicy secrets buried in the underwear drawers of In Touch, Star, OK!, Life & Style and Us. This week, John Mayer writes tortured Top 40 hits about Jennifer Aniston, Suri goes on a diet, and Jessica Simpson considers having a shotgun wedding. Plus, the foremost expert on big butts weighs in on Pippa’s ass.

OK!
“Kim Weds!”
This issue contains complete coverage of what went down at Kim Kardashian’s wedding — except that it hasn’t taken place yet. It may take readers a while to figure this out, since Kim appears on the cover in a white dress with a bouquet Photoshopped into her hand and the accompanying article is written in the past tense. The “exclusive interview” consists of a sentence from Kris Jenner about how beautiful the wedding will be and Kim’s remark that flying out to New York for her dress fitting was “so worth it.” Or perhaps the editors were referring to a comment they overheard Kim telling a friend: “I never though I could be as happy as I am right now.” Scintillating. In Brangelina news, the mag has to explain why they were spotted smiling while taking the kids to a puppet show in London despite recent reports that they’re on the verge of breaking up. Apparently they “called a truce” for the day, then went back to fighting over Brad’s “absences while shooting the zombie thriller World War Z.” Since the family travelled to England to be with Brad while he’s filming, it would seem Angie is upset that he leaves the house to stand on set and say his lines. Moving on: Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux will get married in Hawaii before the summer is over. In “Yes, They Dated,” (see Fig. 1) we’re reminded that Christina Applegate dated Brad Pitt, and Natalie Portman and Moby were once an item. We wouldn’t really call whatever went down between Britney Spears and Colin Farrell “dating,” but they’re on the list too. Next: Though the mag notes that Katie Holmes has been called “gaunt” and told by friends, “you need to put flesh on your bones,” the rest of the article is about how to emulate her diet habits. When Katie wants to drop weight she goes on a vegetable-only raw diet because fruit contains too much sugar. Finally, OK! bums us out by interviewing Patrick Swayze’s mom, who has ~~outlived both of her children~~ Edit: The magazine neglects to mention the existence of Don Swayze. She says she still can’t watch Swayze’s films because “It just hurts too much.” Yeah. So, not the mag you want to take with you on a relaxing beach getaway.

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Grade: F (Being hospitalized while wearing dirty underwear.)

Life & Style
“Wedding Of The Year”
This article mainly features speculation about the gaudy items Kim might use on her wedding day. For some reason the quote “NOW I WANT BABIES!” on the cover makes us picture Kim Kardashian on a baby-snatching rampage. Of course, Kim only meant she wants babies someday, but the mag explains she will definitely have a bun in the oven soon because, “first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the baby carriage!” You can’t argue with those facts! In other news, Angelina Jolie is “jealous of Jen’s fresh, new romance,” though we’re guessing there are no tabloids delivered to Château Miraval and Angie isn’t even aware of Janthrax. Also, Angie’s stressed and “thinner than ever,” but what else is new? On that topic, Bethenny Frankel says, “I’m too thin.” It takes a two-page spread for Bethenny to explain her complex plan to “force myself just to eat a little more,” though that’s one of the most popular methods of solving that problem. Wondering what’s hot for fall? Here’s a tip: “Everyone Wants To Look Like Maddox!” (See Fig. 2) Last, we see exclusive photos from Sherri Shepherd’s “dream wedding.” Everything looks cute, if a little too purple. Sherri was escorted down the aisle by her 6-year-old son Jeffrey. She wore a custom-made Rivini gown and changed into a shorter dress for the reception. Niecy Nash and Yvette Nicole Brown were in her bridal party (see Fig. 3) and we’re a bit jealous. Though, she can keep Hasselbeck.

Grade: D- (Persistant wedgie.)

Us
“Tortured By Her Ex”
The six-page cover story provides a useful update on what’s happening on the current season of Teen Mom, in case your DVR is on the fritz. Maci Bookout’s boyfriend, Kyle King, tells Us that her ex Ryan Edwards “100 percent still has feelings for her.” Ryan tells the magazine that his constant yawning isn’t disrespectful, it’s a “nervous habit.” Also, you may have heard that he sent nude photos to a chick he met online, but he denies this. Ryan adds, “Everyone tells me I should get into modeling. Who knows, maybe I will. With my clothes on!” Good luck with that. Here’s something sad: Sandra Bullock is no longer in contact with Jesse James’ daughter Sunny — if you believe Sunny’s mom, Janine Lindemulder. An insider says Sandra’s “trying to completely separate herself from Jesse … The last think she wanted to do was hurt Sunny, but she had to do what was best for her.” Finally, Angelina isn’t the only one who’s jealous of Jen’s new love. A friend says John Mayer is “definitely not thrilled to see Jen in so many photos with a new guy — especially one who is a cooler version of him.” The mag reports that John is now spending his days, “gorging on pizza bites, Hot Pockets, and Smucker’s Uncrustables while writing new tunes in his home.” The pal adds, “He’s eating microwave food and getting chunky.” Forget about Romeo and Juliet, this is truly a tragedy worthy of Shakespeare.

Grade: D (Forced to wear itchy thong on laundry day.)

Star
“THREE WEDDINGS … and a baby!”
The lead up to Kim Kardashian’s wedding has been filled with drama, so it’s too bad there aren’t cameras following her around everywhere she goes. Oh, right. Well, an upcoming installment of Keeping Up With the Kardashians will feature Kris Jenner announcing that’ she’s wearing white to Kim’s wedding because she’s basically the worst. Also Kim gets a text from ex Reggie Bush, who says he wants her to “think about what she’s doing and makes sure she doesn’t have any regrets,” even though he’s already moved on to the Kim Kardashian look-alike from the Old Navy commercials. Our next tale of wedding horror features Christina Aguilera. She and Matt Rutler are planning a secret wedding ceremony, which is somewhat less secret now that it’s been announced in the pages of Star. However, this may be a bad move because some suspect that Rutler is shopping 109 scandalous photos of Xtina to various media outlets. (Actually they’re mostly silly bachelorette party photos of Christina mimicking sex acts on lollipops.) Star has seen all the pics and wonders, “Who’s selling Xtina’s saucy photos?” Maybe you guys should look into that before you buy them. Jessica Simpson is the third bride, and the “and baby” part of the headline. Jess is putting off the wedding over fears that her fiancé Eric Johnson may be a lazy hobo, but the magazine believes she’s pregnant because she wore a loose-fitting dress. Now a source says she “may have to accept a quickie wedding.” After all, what would people think if a star gave birth out of wedlock. Heaven forbid! Next: This is labeled a “Jersey Shore Shocker” but we guarantee you will not be shocked in the slightest: Ronnie Ortiz was arrested for DUI when he was 19. It seems we’re only hearing about it now because he entered some program that leaves you with a clean record if you complete some alcohol and drug education classes. Clearly he learned a lot. Cameron Diaz and Jennifer Lopez totally hate each other. They’re shooting What To Expect When You’re Expecting together and Cam keeps making nasty comments about the size of J.Lo’s entourage. A source says she also “said Jennifer has a lot to learn and made a dig about how she’d be better off sticking to her day jobs — meaning singing and judging Idol. J.Lo is ignoring Cameron because they’re both 12. A source says Kate and Pippa Middleton are planning to launch a high-end fashion line, even though we all know the Queen will never let this happen. Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner are in the process of rekindling their probably-fake romance. Does Twilight: Breaking Hymen really need more publicity? Blake Lively and Leonardo DiCaprio are house hunting, because that’s what absurdly rich celebrities do when they’ve been dating for a few weeks. In closing, you may have heard a few rumors about Brad and Angelina tying the knot, but this time it’s for reals. The wedding will take place at Château Miraval in the fall, so keep your schedule free. After seeing the wedding in Shrek, Maddox became obsessed with his parents getting married. An insider says, “He’s finally getting his wish, and Brad and Angie want it to be everything he has hoped for.” Surely Maddox is thumbing through issues of Martha Stewart Weddings and squabbling with Shiloh over whether the affair will be weapon or pirate themed. Why not switch to a cutlass motif and make everyone happy?

Grade: D (Forced to go commando on laundry day.)

In Touch
“Hooked On Mr. Wrong”
Were you aware that Jennifer Aniston has a tendency to date bad dudes (according to the tabloids at least). Shockingly, Heidi Bivens, the woman Justin Theroux dated for 14 years and possibly dumped for Jen, thinks their relationship won’t work. As a friend explains, “She’s all about Malibu, shopping and trying to stay young, while Justin is about being an artist.” Theroux was arrested for vandalism when he was 12 and Jen finds his early adolescent life of crime “totally foreign and a little scary.” Plus, Theroux likes to go on “long motorcycle trips alone,” and as we learned from Brad, that only leads to brooding and storming out. Next: Cameron Diaz is being “Bullied Over Her Looks.” She’s in great shape, but commenters on some unnamed website think she now has a “masculine” figure. The mag also claims that working out, not getting photographed while making a strange expression, has changed her face (see Fig. 4). Kendra Wilkinson forgot to wear her wedding ring to an event at Atlantic City, so clearly her marriage is over. Leah Messer’s ex-husband Corey Simms has allegedly been hitting on other Teen Mom cast members. First he went after Jenelle Evans, who was “shocked” and “immediately told Leah.” That doesn’t sound like the Jenelle we know, but okay. Next he went after Nikkole Paulun of 16 and Pregnant. They went to the zoo together and a source says, “They’re hooking up.” Moving on: Suri Cruise has reached the age when a young Scientologist starts auditing. To prepare for this momentous occasion, kids are usually restricted to a diet of organic vegetables, fruit, bland carbohydrates and vitamin supplements. However, Suri already told her dad, “I really don’t think you should try to force me to do something I don’t want to do.” The mag quips, “With that attitude, perhaps Suri will avoid a scary-skinny look like mom Katie!” Wow. There’s a lot going on in that sentence, and it’s all pretty awful. Finally, In Touch sets out to end the mystery over whether or not Pippa Middleton padded her behind at the royal wedding by consulting with several butt experts. Of course, the panel would not be complete without the one and only Sir Mix-A-Lot (see Fig. 5). He says, “I made up my mind within 10 seconds, and I think Pippa’s butt was all her. She has curves. Not enough for me, but she definitely has them.” The ass debate is now officially over, as it’s an established fact that this man likes big butts, and cannot lie.

Grade: D+ (Your anaconda don’t want none.)

Addendum

Fig. 1, from OK!

Fig. 2, from Life & Style

Fig. 3, from Life & Style

Fig. 4, from In Touch

Fig. 5, from In Touch