This Week In Tabloids: John Travolta and Kelly Preston's Marriage Is 'Bizarre,' But It's Also Fine
CelebritiesWelcome to Midweek Madness, where we read the headline “JOHN & KELLY: INSIDE THEIR BIZARRE MARRIAGE” and start laughing to ourselves in public. This week, Angelina Jolie is a freakin’ liar, John Travolta and Kelly Preston are freakin’ weirdos, and William and Kate are freakin’ King and Queen.
In Touch:
Stories about the breakdown of Brangelina have really run out of steam, which was immediately evident after looking at today’s covers. Of the three I was able to purchase today (the shop didn’t have Life & Style, either because it wasn’t delivered or someone weirder than I am bought all the copies), Brangie made the lead story just once, and the one they did land—In Touch’s—is so boring I almost feel like skipping it.
This dumb story hinges on a source who told In Touch “people close to [Angie] have been busy trying to shape a narrative painting Brad as an unfit parent.” Will someone throw a mug (preferably one that says “NO COFFEE, NO TALKEE”) of scalding hot java at my face, because that retread of a story we’ve been hearing for weeks has put me in a deep sleep. There’s nothing else to say about this that we haven’t already written about in the past three weeks.
In other news, Ellen DeGeneres treats the “workers who care for her dogs” pretty ruff (In Touch’s joke, not mine), and sources claim “Portia de Rossi isn’t much friendlier.” Probably because she knows that regardless of how she treats them, tabloids are going to opt for the version that warrants the use of a “ruff” pun! Bella Thorne is moving in with Tyler Posey because “her ex, Gregg [Sulkin] threw her out of the home they shared.” How sad that—despite a new Freeform show, Playboy cover, and successful YA novels—Bella Thorne is sorta homeless. But let’s go from homeless to Harvard! Wait, I meant homeless to hairless. Prince Harry isn’t living up to his name and is, sadly, going bald. Sources say he’s particularly bummed about this because “he’s poked so much fun at William over the years” for his own thinning hair. The fix? A secret hair transplant. Harry, my man, we’ll know. Go Willis on William and just shave it off.