Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which in which we gleefully wallow in the filth contained within the pages of Star, Us Weekly, OK!, Life & Style and InTouch. This week: Kim and Kanye are already falling apart, causing her to eat pasta on top of ice cream; Kate Middleton is pregnant again; and Charlize Theron was rude to Tia Mowry at SoulCycle.
Star
ALONE & BINGE EATING
Kim and Kanye are already on the rocks and thus Kim is “turning to food to dull the pain.” Cool and fresh take on this Kimye situation, guys. Anyway, Kanye is apparently at once controlling and neglectful (Kanye contains multitudes), and Kim has gained 22 pounds — some of it in her elbows, which is apparently a place where weight accumulates now (Fig. 1) — because feelings. “She’ll eat a whole bowl of pasta and ice cream in the middle of the night when she can’t sleep,” says a friend. Pasta mixed with ice cream: a classic comfort food. Elsewhere in the magazine, Zac Efron is using Michelle Rodriguez for money because I guess Zac Efron hasn’t been in a million movies in the past year or something? And Michelle Rodriguez has her Fast and Furious fortune, which he is mooching off of? AS IF M-Rod would ever be duped by a pair of sunglasses atop a pile of abs like that. In other news, Star did an interview with LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian which was very boring and asinine. At one point, LeAnne and Eddie were asked if it was “awkward” that she has a job and stays at home. Uhhhhh. Moving on, we have the weirdest article I’ve ever seen printed in a tabloid: an exclusive about how Matt Damon is a really nice and supportive step-dad and how his step-daughter’s biological father respects Matt Damon for providing for her and treating her wonderfully. WHO LET THIS RUN IN STAR, OF ALL PLACES? Don’t get used to it, though — on the very next page, the editors have despicably printed the “crazed prison rants” of a mentally ill inmate in Pennsylvania who has a vendetta against Bachelorette Andi Dorfman, whom he’s never met. The whole thing is disgusting: they gleefully reprint some of his horrible claims about Dorfman and state that he is both “dangerous” to her and her “stalker,” even though he’s not eligible for parole until January 2021. Ugh.
GRADE: F- (if Circe turned everyone you dislike from your high school graduating class into pigs and they showed up at your wedding, where they repeatedly requested that the DJ put on Train)
InTouch
IT’S OVER AFTER 58 DAYS!
After but 58 days, the Kimye marriage is… not over. (“Kim is hell-bent on keeping up the charade for as long as she can,” says the mag.) Uh, ok! Thanks for the update. Other tired bits rehashed within this story include: Kim was SO BORED in Ireland on their Honeymoon; Kanye sees Kim as a fame-prop; remember when Kim was married for 72 days lol wacky. Moving on: Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi are having a baby to save their marriage. Ellen did not want to have kids, says a source, but Portia convinced her by playing her a montage of children who have appeared on her show (feat. Sophia Grace and Rosie) and then whispered, “You’d be the best mother ever.” Which just sounds like something one would encounter in a haunted house, but all right. Next: Tia Mowry says that Charlize Theron was rude to her at a SoulCycle class. Now THIS is some celebrity gossip I can get behind! “I said ‘Hi,’ and she actually rolled her eyes and said, ‘Oh my God,'” alleges Mowry. Maybe she was just coping with the existential dread of being in a SoulCycle facility? Or maybe she likes Tamera better? Finally, inTouch has published a 2-page spread on “Eek! FREAKY CELEB BODY PARTS,” featuring Steven Tyler’s toe, supermodel Karolina Kurkova’s bellybutton, and one of Angelina Jolie’s veins (Fig 2). Great stuff from a top-notch news magazine.
GRADE: F (that horrible viral picture of a pig who has defecated onto its own testicles)
Us
A PARTY FOR THE PRINCE!
Prince George, the imperial regent-baby of England, continues to lose the futile battle against the indifferent sands of time, as we all do. He turned one! And there was a party to commemorate the occasion! Fun facts about the one-year-old: he received “wooden toys and clothes” from his parents (little overalls made of wood, probably); he has a “big personality”; he is not yet speaking human but can already “do a ‘wo-wo’ for the sound of a dog.” In other news, Jennifer Aniston and Sandra Bullock are hanging out now and excited about their burgeoning friendship, which is nice. ALSO: did you know they both used to date Tate Donovan??? Get it, Jimmy Cooper. Elsewhere in the mag, Scott Disick is not drinking after being hospitalized for alcohol poisoning, which is good news. And, finally, Adam Levine and Behati Prinsloo had a very Adam Levine-y wedding, by which I mean that Adam Levine performed “What I Got” by Sublime after the reception and also Behati Prinsloo sang him “First Day of My Life” by Bright Eyes.
GRADE: D- (a millennial remake of Babe the Gallant Pig entitled Bae the Gallant Pig to pander to teens)
OK!
SPLIT!
Today in “slow news week,” Gavin Rossdale and Gwen Stefani are sleeping in separate rooms. There is literally no new information contained within this article: Courtney Love admitted to having slept with him in an interview in 2010! He found out that he had fathered a love child in 2004! Gwen and him have three kids and she also works hard at her job! Thank you so much for the recap of Gavin and Gwen’s marriage ups and downs, guys. In other news, Kate Upton went on vacation without being a size 0 and was unbothered by the mewling idiots on the Internet that took issue with her body, probably because she’s extremely beautiful and famous and successful. Moving on: Justin Theroux and Courteney Cox’s husband (OF THE MID-AUGHTS BAND SNOW PATROL) hate each other. Snow Patrol thinks that Theroux is smug; Theroux smugly thinks he’s too good for Snow Patrol. Will the cosmos ever be at peace? Next: Eva Mendes and Ryan Gosling are having a boy, conjectures the magazine, because, uhhh, they bought blue toys and an airplane mobile. Also, within a 2-page article we are told that the wall will be painted neutral-colored and that they will be covered in images of monkeys. “Monkey” is not a neutral shade!! Get your story straight!!!!
GRADE: F (a hog wallowing in the Swamp of Sadness)
Life & Style
IT’S A GIRL!
Kate Middleton is reportedly pregnant, for the five-hundredth time, and it’s gonna be a girl in this iteration of the rumor because why not. Life & Style reports that Kate’s “childhood pal Jessica Hay — who first revealed Kate’s pregnancy with George” confirms the state of her womb. Jessica Hay, what’s your problem. Anyway, the Royal Family is babyproofing their house, as one does, by putting a $850,000 clay roof on it and buying cozy new fireplace fixtures. Hoorah. In other news, Khloe Kardashian is NOT pregnant. This sentence was published on the matter: “That meant double the heartbreak for the star: Not only was she not expecting, but she couldn’t blame the pregnancy for the return of the 30 pounds she’d lost over the past year.” Uhhhhhh. Excuse me? She’s reportedly “taking diet pills” out of “desperation” now. Moving on, Nikki from the Bachelor is fed up with Juan Pablo, who is womanizing a lot even though they’re still “together.” The magazine says that she “wanted to badly to believe in the fairy tale.” You know, the famed old story about the lonesome oaf rolling around in a hot tub with a pack of women who tolerate his presence because they’re surrounded by a film crew. Finally, Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux are having issues settling their $170 million pre-nup, $150 of which is hers. The crux of their argument is regarding who gets to keep their two dogs, which is nice (Jen wants them both; Justin wants one and joint custody over the other).
GRADE: D (the mini-pig Paris Hilton had as a pet, who is probably really condescending to other mini-pigs at their lil’ tea parties because he thinks he’s famous now)
Addendum
Fig. 1, Star
Fig. 2, inTouch