This Week in Tabloids: Look Inside Amanda Bynes' Weird-Ass 'Drug Den'

“Best Bodies 2013.”

In case you hadn’t noticed by now, Us is the glass-half-full of the weekly tabloids, looking on the bright side and making the best of a shitty situation, aka no celeb news. Instead of best and worst, or best bikini bodies, this is just BEST bodies, and they’re not all in bikinis. The usual suspects are all lined up: Kerry Washington, Connie Britton, Hayden Panettiere, David Beckham, Liam Hemsworth, Ryan “Sex Idiot” Lochte, Kourtney Kardashian. If you’re famous, slim-hipped and flat-stomached, you’re in here. And in the name of gender equality, there are pages and pages of zero-body-fat dudes, too. (Fig. 1a,b) Hello Justin Theroux. We’ll have what Aniston is having. Also inside: Remember when Farrah Abraham bought a pregnancy test? Well, it was just so she could be on a talk show called The Test. She was on birth control when James Deen stuck his P in her V, but taking a test on TV is fun, right? Eyeroll. Next, according to a source, Beyoncé “hasn’t told anybody she’s pregnant,” which means she is pregnant and keeping it a secret for now or she is NOT pregnant? Unsure. Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart broke up because he never got over the fact that she cheated on him, and now he doesn’t trust anyone, is brooding a lot, and super scared of meeting someone new. Vampire probs. Last, but not least: Kate Middleton is copying Suri Cruise’s sartorial choices. Copykate! (Fig. 2)

Grade: B- (runner’s high)

“Millions In Debt”

Apparently the Kardashians have serious financial issues, are the “ultimate fraudsters” and their business model is “upside down.” The whole family is in a “financial death spiral.” Kris has $1 million in debt — most of it in car loans, and that’s just the beginning: There’s tons of details in this story, a lot of it from the time someone hacked Kim’s kredit report. In Feb, Kim had about $10,000 in the bank, but had a house for which she was making $26,000 a month mortgage payments. Kris, Kim and Khloe have 18 cars between them, from a $90k Range Rover to a $750K Lambo to a $325K Ferrari and a $500K Rolls-Royce. (Kourtney only has one kar.) Even though the family signed a $40 million contract with E!, after taxes that is about $22 million, which is split between the whole family, lawyers, agents, etc. To top things off, the family has been named in five lawsuits; their pre-paid debit card venture failed, Rob’s sock biz is tanking, and ShoeDazzle, which Kim cofounded, just laid off 40% of its staff. And tough times might get tougher, since Kim used to get $100k just to show up at nightclubs, but no one wants the pregnant lady drinking at their party. Plus, Kanye has refused to monetize his child. Next month’s cover: Kim and Kris wearing barrels held up by suspenders made of extensions. Moving on! Also inside: Sparks are flying between Jennifer Lawrence and Liam Hemsworth, which means he wants to put his hammer on her anvil. Britney Spears has psoriasis, which the mag deems GROSS! (Fig. 3) Katy Perry is seeing a CAA agent named Michael Kives “because she doesn’t want to be alone.” Kristen Stewart might be a lesbian now that she’s been dumped by SparkleVamp. 47-year-old Robin Wright and 32-year-old Ben Foster are on the verge of getting married; she calls him an “old soul” and “their sex life is great.” Finally, Lindsay Lohan’s drug dealer — who also sold coke to Whitney Houston hours before she died — says he’s “the last guy to have a conscience” but stopped selling to LL because “she wasn’t monitoring what she was taking.” He claims that she first became a client in 2009, and “Lindsay would order blow and pills” by texting him with an address in Beverly Hills or a suite number at the Chateau Marmont. “Ninety percent of the time, Lindsay would be drunk,” he says. “Her favorite was Molly… she liked that before she went out to a club.” DJ says Linds spent $10-15K on drugs during the time he dealt to her. But. Eventually he would just respond “wrong number” when she texted: “I feared she would do a line of coke after some pills and then be dead.” Sainthood awaits, dear sir.

Grade: B+ (giggly high)

“Amanda Bynes: Destroyed by fame”

Big, shocking news, y’all: Amanda Bynes’s crazy downfall is a byproduct of her fame. Give this mag a Nobel Peace Prize. It seems the editors sent two photographers to Amanda’s apartment in NYC, and found it bizarrely designed and furnished. (Question: When does a regular apartment become a drug den? Do you a permit from the City?) The windows were spray-painted black, her mattress was bare, the living room only contained two purple chairs and a little table. Essentially, it resembled a college dorm room. There were clothes and take-out containers everywhere, and she had a flat-screen TV with no wiring hooked up. Although Amanda denies smoking weed, photographers found little baggies littered all over her floor. They found her “smoking a joint and obsessively refreshing her phone’s Twitter feed.” She also hooked up with one of the photographers (professionalism!), though they did not have sex. At 5 am, she woke up and told him, “honey, you have to go home now.” College. (Fig. 4) If she is trolling us all then this is awesome, if she is mentally ill, then this is pretty despicable. Moving on. In Kardashian news: Kholé wont’s stop until she hits physical perfection: she’s obsessed with working out, dieting and now she has Invisalign. Kim Kardashian really needs to lay off the heels, according to In Touch and random foot doctors. Carmen Electra hooked up with Glee‘s Samuel Larsen, who is roughly half of Carmen’s age and ridiculously hot. Jewel lives on farm now and does a Biblical diet, meaning she eats what people in the Bible ate. She also likes to castrate bulls.

Grade: B- (super stoned)

Addendum

Fig 1a, 1b, from Us

Fig. 2, from Us

Fig. 3, from Star

Fig. 4, from In Touch