This Week in Tabloids: Mariah Carey Employs a Professional Boob Handler

Welcome to Midweek Madness. Bobby Finger, your usual intrepid guide through the tabloids, is on vacation in Italy so I have to do it instead. (And I’m doing it a day late! This is already a mess.) In this week’s ‘bloids, Bobby has biked the walls around Lucca, made a nonsensical joke about the David (“I’ll have what he’s having!”), and failed to realize that ordering a cappuccino after 2 p.m. is an Italian faux pas. Andiamo, regazzi! We’ve got tabloids to cover!

US Weekly

Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston, recently “rompati” (that’s Italian for “broken,” BOB), are on the cover of US, which makes sense because, when you think of it, US is really the Taylor of tabloids—seemingly nice, but really just as shitty as everyone else! “Multiple sources confirm the 26-year-old Wyomissing, Pennsylvania, native has ended her 12-week whirlwind romance with actor Tom Hiddleston,” states US in a sentence that’s far wordier than it needs to be. To think, it was just weeks ago that Hiddleston “was contemplating buying a ring for the 10-time Grammy winner.” Don’t give up on Hiddleswift yet, though: Tom “has a history of laying it on the line for love—he once told a Russian website that he skipped a key audition to surprise his college girlfriend in Paris.”

Whatever he has cooking for Tay, let’s just pray he leaves us out of it. We’re only children, for crying out loud.

Also in US:

• Brooklyn Beckham and Chloë Grace Moretz, a couple of teens who met in a SoulCycle class, have broken up. And here I thought their love was forever.
• Michael Fassbender was scared of girlfriend Alicia Vikander when he first met her on the set of The Light Between Oceans because she was “so fierce and hungry.” Let’s hope he directed her towards craft services.
• Did you know that Drake and Rihanna are ready to commit? “They found love in a once hopeless place,” states US. (Can we sue them for misuse of a Rihanna lyric? I’ll check with legal and get back to you. ) “…[Drake] was always too nice for her, but he softened when she saw how much he pursued her,” says the source, adding (more importantly): “Plus, he’s really beefed up.”
• Ooh, Khloé Kardashian has a new man and—SHOCKINGLY-he’s a pro basketball player.

Life & Style

A sister-wife is divorcing her brother husband and if you want more information, you’ll have to ask my mom, the only person I know who watches that show. In other reality TV news (and isn’t everything reality TV at this point?), Nick Viall “is the most controversial Bachelor of all time.” I’ll take your word for it, Life & Style! Selena Gomez is responsibly taking some time off for her mental and physical health and, naturally, Justin Bieber must be to blame for it. Cue “Sorry.”

Uh-oh! Kylie Jenner’s family is staging an intervention because she’s addicted to Tyga (not a new club drug, but a broke rapper) and plastic surgery! This report seems unlikely: Kylie’s new face led the way to a cosmetic empire and lots of $$$, so why would her family turn their matching liquid nose jobs up at that? Speaking of, do you ever think about how lucky Tyga is? I do. All the time.

Also:

• Tom Cruise may never see Suri again, even though “they were once so close.” (Fact check: No, they weren’t.) Meanwhile, Connor Cruise, the prodigal son of Scientology, is living large, though I bet he’s never traveled through Whole Food’s secret underground tunnel…
• Anthony Weiner gets a F on Life & Style’s “Romance Report Card” (fig 1.1), which is kind of like giving an A to Ann Coulter on a “Resembling Halloween Decorations Report Card.” The grading system is rigged!

In Touch

Selena Gomez is in a “rehab nightmare,” but let’s skip all that, shall we? I want to talk about how Kim wants Blac Chyna to STOP COPYING HER, but I say KEEP COPYING HER because WHY NOT. Also having some jealousy issues: Beyoncé and Rihanna because Rih feels Bey overshadowed her at the VMAs. Mad about being overshadowed by Beyoncé? That’s like being mad about Anthony Weiner sexting! There’s no freakin’ point!

Did you know that Mariah Carey’s tits have their own assistant? (Fig. 2.1) Shooting a scene for the new Amy Poehler/Will Ferrell movie, Mimi showed up “with a massive entourage that included one guy ‘whose soul purpose was to push up Mariah’s boobs.’” Carey’s reps deny it, which is too bad because I can’t think of a story that I, if I were a celebrity, would be more thrilled to confirm.